Voice #6 - Yara: "Finding Peace Within: Navigating Identity, Faith, and Trauma in Gaza and Beyond"

What happens when the war outside mirrors the conflict within? Meet Yara, a 23-year-old Palestinian woman whose journey through war-torn Gaza, self-discovery, and spiritual awakening offers profound wisdom beyond her years.

Growing up amid bombs and uncertainty, Yara developed anxiety that shaped her understanding of herself and the world around her. When she began experiencing same-sex attraction as a teenager, the silence surrounding sexuality in her community left her feeling isolated and confused. "When you grow up believing normal human development is shameful," she reflects, "it plants seeds of fear that take years to unlearn."

This conversation travels through the landscapes of trauma, mental health, and religious identity with remarkable honesty. Yara shares how therapy complemented her spiritual journey, explaining that "psychology and spirituality go hand in hand, but they're not the same." After feeling alienated by harsh, male-dominated religious discourse, she discovered scholars whose balanced, compassionate approach transformed her relationship with Islam.

"Your authentic self is not defined by your urges. True freedom means living according to what fulfills your spirit and soul." Through her story, Yara demonstrates how acknowledging same-sex attraction while remaining committed to Islamic values isn't contradiction but integration. 

The episode concludes with a moving tribute to Gaza that reminds us of the resilience, beauty, and dignity of a people going through the most challenging of circumstances.

Recommended resources on Palestine and Gaza:
- Boycott, Divestment, and Sanctions (BDS) movement official website.
- UNRWA (United Nations Relief and Works Agency for Palestine Refugees in the Near East) donation link.
- More about pinkwashing and purplewashing.
- A comprehensive historical outline of Palestine’s occupation: The Hundred Years' War on Palestine by Rashid Khalidi.
- Novels, novellas, and poetry portraying the Nakba, Diaspora and Palestinian Struggle: Umm Sa’d, The Land of Sad Oranges, Return to Haifa, Men in the Sun, and The Owl in The Filled Room by Ghassan Kanafani; Mornings in Jenin, and Against The Loveless world by Susan Abulhawa; On this Land, Those Who pass Between Fleeting Words, and Who Am I, Without Exile? by Mahmoud Darwish.
- A documentary outlining a couple months of the genocide captured by Yousef Hammash, a small video about Gaza before the war, and a video about significant historical & religious sites in Gaza.
- A drama series on the struggles and everyday life of Palestinians before/during the Nakba: Al-Taghreeba Al-Falastinya by Hatem Ali.
- Experiences of Arab and Arab American feminists with gender, sexuality and feminism: Arab and Arab American Feminisms: Gender, Violence and Belonging by Rabab Abdulhadi.

Chapters

• 4:10 Opening remarks
• 7:46 Childhood trauma and war experiences
• 16:57 Discovering SSA and societal silence
• 41:10 Mental health struggles
• 53:25 Social and cultural pressures
• 1:04:17 Faith journey and relationship with Allah SWT
• 1:12:16 Awakening and self-acceptance
• 1:21:47 Pink-washing and Palestine
• 1:31:38 Messages of hope
• 1:45:16 What would you tell them if you had the chance?
• 1:54:22 Ending remarks

Transcript

Waheed: 04:10

Assalaamu alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh, and welcome to a new episode of Voices from Beyond the Rainbow. I'm your host, Waheed Jensen, and thank you for joining me in today's episode. My guest today is Sister Yara, who comes from Gaza, Palestine. We talk about so many deep topics in today's episode, from witnessing many wars growing up in the Gaza Strip, dealing with anxiety and shame and low self-esteem, to missing her beloved Gaza as she witnesses the current genocide from afar. We talk about faith and advocacy, personal awakening and acceptance, as well as healing, growth, and paving the way for others with similar struggles. This is one gem of an episode, and I hope you enjoy our conversation, insha'Allah. 

Assalamu alaikum, Sister Yara. How are you doing today?

Yara: 05:13

Wa alaikom assalam. I'm doing great. How are you doing?

Waheed: 05:15

Alhamdulillah, I'm doing very well, and I'm very excited about today's episode. Before we begin, inshaAllah, we have so many beautiful themes to talk about today. But before we officially begin, would you mind introducing yourself to the audience?

Yara: 05:30

So I want to introduce myself in a way that makes sense of what you're about to hear. My name is Yara, I'm 23 years old, and I'm from Gaza, Palestine. I grew up mostly in Palestine, but my childhood was scattered across a lot of different places, and that constant movement really shaped who I am. As you'll see in my story, it gave me some instability, but also a lot of resilience, and my identity has always been very layered, Palestinian, Arab, Muslim, but also very influenced by the West. And it doesn't really fit neatly into any stereotypes. And you know, I've struggled with questions about faith, feminism, family, and belonging, really. And I wanted to share my story, not as a perfect conclusion at all, because as you'll see, I'm nowhere near there, but as kind of a journey that shaped who I am today. 

Waheed: 06:20

MashaAllah, beautiful introduction. And by the way, before we begin, I just have to mention this out loud to everyone listening that we don't know each other. We haven't spoken before Voices from Beyond the Rainbow. And you had filled out the form, and I was very intrigued by what you had filled out because it was very, very articulate. And I had to remind myself that you are 23 years old, mashaAllah. You're very, very young. And, I mean, if I did not know that, I would have said, mashaAllah, she's very wise, and she's quite, I would, I mean, you sound like someone who has been through so much, you've matured way beyond your age. And I just keep on reminding myself that mashaAllah talking to you, like when we were preparing for this episode, I just needed to constantly remind myself that she is in her early 20s, mashaAllah. So I'm very, very proud of you, and I'm very excited about the beautiful gems that you have to share with us today. 

Yara: 07:16

This is so heartwarming. Thank you so much, especially coming from you. Like, thank you so much for everything that you've done for the community, and thank you for giving me the opportunity to share my story.

Waheed: 07:26

Of course. Thank you as well, and the honor is ours to listen to your story and to help you share it, inshaAllah. So the way that you would like to go about this is that you have structured your life into different themes, and you want to start with one theme at a time. So without further ado, the floor is yours. Please begin, Bismillah.

Yara: 07:46

All right, as I mentioned, I grew up in Gaza, Palestine. I was born there, but I started moving around with my family ever since I was just months old, and I had been to three different continents and lived there before the age of 10. And it caused a lot of instability and discomfort in my life. I ended up developing unhealthy attachments to my parents, because, you know, changing the environment so many times and and moving around, I felt like what's the point in trying to impress, you know, my teachers or fellow students when the only real stable thing that I felt in my life in those early years of childhood was my parents. And so I had a bit of an unhealthy attachment to them, even at such a young age. I felt like I wanted to protect them and I wanted to take care of them, especially towards my mother. 

And just like any of the amazing people that have SSA, I had early signs of being different. I was less feminine. I would say, you know, I kind of just enjoyed learning from my dad and having that “son role” in the house. I was practical, I was a problem solver, overall very energetic. I was passionate about STEM and activities that might have come off as boyish to my community. But in those early years of childhood, it never really bothered me that much, because the only approval that I needed really was from my parents, and to them it didn't seem like a huge issue at the time. And so in my early childhood, it really wasn't something that bothered me. 

When it came to my siblings, a few years after I was born, my brother was born, and he was the first boy in the family. You know, throughout our childhood, we both struggled to find our roles in the family, because I had already taken on that role. And we were always fighting, but also we had a connection that I didn't have with any of my sisters. We played video games together, we explored, picked fruits, we enjoyed playing outside. And I have two older sisters actually, and even though I look a lot like them, I usually got less compliments from my relatives and my family about my looks, because it didn't really match my personality to dress up or care that much about it. And in comparison to cousins, for example, and other family members or girls that were my age, I never got that reassurance about my looks. All my compliments were about grades or creativity or energy. And, again, at this point, none of it seemed like a problem at the time, but, you know, I just think it's interesting the way that the cycle kind of continued and fed itself.

Waheed: 10:24

So just to kind of summarize, so you were kind of a tomboyish girl. You bonded more with the masculine compared to the feminine, and you didn't kind of fit in those “gender roles” or “gender expectations” from an early age. Right. And why do you think, now that you look back and you know what you know, why do you think that this kind of happened with you particularly? What kind of contributed to that?

Yara: 10:49

I think actually when I was born, my parents were expecting me to be a boy. And I know you actually mentioned this in one of your episodes, and there isn't really any hard proof that really says anything, but I was always, you know, my dad's favorite. I was very close to him. He taught me a lot, and a lot of my personality traits are just like him. And so I think that's pretty much where it stemmed from. And you know, as I said, these things kind of continue as a cycle, and, you know, the more that you put that energy out, the more that people expect it from you, and it's harder to change. And that's why those primal years are, you know, very crucial to the way that your sense of gender kind of develops.

Waheed: 11:34

By the way, mashaAllah, like I mean, it's again, I just need to remind myself that you're quite young. You have so much information, so much knowledge, and so much wisdom and insights that I mashaAllah, like this is this a few minutes into the episode, I'm like, wow!

Yara: 11:46

Waheed, I learned from the best.

Waheed: 11:52

Alhamdulillah. We basically, so in reference to your mother and father, you said you were closer to your father, and he kind of took you under his wing and he was teaching you all sorts of stuff. How how was your relationship with your mother growing up?

Yara: 12:06

Again, I was very, very close to her. I was close to both of them. To me, in my early childhood, they were my whole entire life. Again, the only validation I needed was from them.  I would say, you know, I was seeking validation more from my mom. My dad, I kind of got the comfort from him, the physical and verbal love and attention. From my mom, usually I got my discipline, I got, you know, sort of instructions from her and input from her. And to me, it mattered a lot, her approval mattered a lot. And sometimes, you know, when one of your parents doesn't give you that kind of attention, you kind of try to strive for it more. And so that's why I would say her opinion mattered to me more than my father's, but I was, you know, closer to my father than any of my other siblings.

Waheed: 12:54

I see. So, okay, so from this perspective, we can understand that your father provided more emotional stability or more emotional connection, but your mother was kind of the authority figure, so to speak.

Yara: 13:07

Absolutely, yes.

Waheed: 13:09

All right. And you said that you grew up in Gaza, you were born in Gaza, you were raised in Gaza. The early kind of primal developmental years you spent in Gaza. What can you tell us about Gaza at the time?

Yara: 13:22

So growing up in, you know, a war zone, of course, it would leave anyone with a lot of trauma. And unfortunately, this trauma is still something that I'm working on getting over today. And I want to mention that, you know, before I talk about my experience, you know, alhamdulillah, none of the experiences that I lived through in Gaza could be anywhere as horrible as the genocide that's been happening since 2023. And so, you know, I share my experience with, you know, being humble and with so much thoughts and prayers to my Palestinian brothers and sisters that are going through it right now. 

Waheed: 13:56

Of course.

Yara: 13:58

And so, even though I was outside of Gaza for many years of my childhood, I actually witnessed most of the wars that happened before this current one. The most recent for me was the one in 2021. And every year that we were in Gaza, at least some kind of escalation would happen, if not a war. And a lot of these escalations would also happen when you know one of my parents was away. And in the moment it felt like, what are the odds that, you know, when my mom left the country or my dad left the country, it happened. But really looking back at it, it was rarely any consecutive months that would pass without all of us, you know, being outside the country or at least one of my parents. 

And so with every bomb that I heard and every time the house rattled, I felt it just kind of, you know, staining me somehow. It like it's just left something chemical inside of me that was etched in my brain. And, you know, I remember so many things, the way that I would look to my parents for comfort and see the fear in their eyes, no matter how strong they tried to act. And the way that after every war, my mom would take us to these trauma release sort of body work sessions. We call them “Ate’ Khofa” in Arabic, where a specialist would massage with olive oil certain parts of your body that are, you know, set to hold stress and fear, like the wrist and the antcubital space, which is the inside of the elbow and knees, and ankles and so on. And they would recite Quran or Ruqya. 

As well as I remember the first day of school after a war or an escalation would happen where the teachers and counselors would urge us to let our negative emotions out with activities or some sort of group therapy sessions. But you know, really how much can a few games of catch and repeating affirmations do to children who just experienced something so traumatic? And so all of these memories, you know, still every single day are in the back of my mind playing. And at the time, I just held on tighter. With every war that passed, I sort of felt my sense of attachment to my parents grow rather than you know the healthy detachment that any child should go through. It made sense, you know, if a war were to happen, at least I wanted the comfort of my parents. 

And, you know, the fact that it was so out of my hands almost made me superstitious. I started internalizing so many behaviors and correlating them with the war. This is sort of like, it kind of reminds me of the pigeon superstition experiment, if you know about it. If any of the audience is unfamiliar, basically, it was an experiment where pigeons were kind of rewarded with food every interval, and it was like a static interval. It wouldn't, it doesn't depend on their behavior or anything, but these pigeons started developing, you know, superstitions and making these behaviors that they thought was going to get them the food and the reward. And so even if there wasn't an actual correlation, I wanted to feel like I had a sense of control or anything that I could do to protect my little world and my family and my bunnies and my flowers and my school and my friends. And even though internalizing these beliefs made me suffer, I at least had a sense of control. And in my mind, I removed some of the ambiguity and some of the uncertainty about the future. 

And so I internalized the beliefs that basically if I was better, maybe the war wouldn't happen and maybe my family would stay safe. And any threat, including a bombing or my dad being late from work or hearing a plane, it felt to me like it was a warning that I wasn't doing enough and that I needed to sort of blame it on something. And as my anxiety snowballed, I began to sort of twist my personality and my “boyish traits” and what made me different into something negative. And I started to think that, you know, my flaws made me a target or, you know, I needed to be punished for it. And so, to cope with all of these feelings, I overcompensated. In my childhood, I took on many responsibilities. I was booking tickets and caring for my grandparents, fixing broken things, you know, feeding the animals and so on. And I don't really hold any grudges towards my parents for this because, you know, they trusted me and I wanted to do it. I was showing them a happy face when I was doing it. I was vigilant, I was careful and, you know, they trusted me. But at the end of the day, like any child, you know, the weight terrified me, but also it gave me some sense of equilibrium or control. 

And you know, I kind of I also like had a thing of catastrophizing, which is something that I still deal with. And, you know, I would think, what if I gave my grandpa the wrong dose of insulin? Or what if I set the heater wrong and caused a fire? And it just kept snowballing, like this cycle kept going. And I, you know, this is something really interesting that I look back at, and it's something that, you know, I still see it in a lot of my behaviors, is that I sort of had this hubris or ego in a sense that I could in fact fix everything. And you know, that if I was so different from everybody, then maybe that granted me some sort of power or some sort of say in the situation. And you know, humans have a spirit of defiance, and you know, we have an ability to find purpose even when everything feels absurd and painful and meaningless. It's sort of like a Sisyphian effort, one we really can't quite give up on. We just have to keep continuing chasing things and, you know, making some sort of meaning, giving yourself some sort of control in a world that is so out of our control. 

And so yeah, over time, anxiety consumed me. You know, I started thinking that something was indeed wrong with me, and I needed to sort of almost hurt myself in a way to kind of give the world the equilibrium and, you know, prevent the wars and protect my parents. And eventually the stress became physical at some point. I had severe anxiety, I had hallucinations that were, you know, voices were telling me something is gonna happen today. And, that later developed into OCD. And I also had horrible episodes of sleep paralysis that I considered as also another punishment from the world.

Waheed: 20:16

And if you don't mind me asking, how old were you at the time?

Yara: 20:19

So this is I would say like in my before my teenage years, so like before my preteens, even like nine, 10, 11 these years, I would say. Alhamdulillah, you know, I've been going to therapy and looking back at it now, I do understand, you know, it might be superficial, but I do understand that none of these events were my fault, and you know, the war wasn't mine to prevent. And that, you know, my differences weren't really punishments, even though I still carry some of that guilt with me today, because it's just something that if it develops at such primal years, you can't really push it completely away. But at the time, these beliefs really shaped every single choice that I made, and you know, it set the stage for the anxiety and the shame and the guilt that I would carry into my teenage years.

Waheed: 21:10

Can you explain - I really want to kind of understand this, because like I'm sure a lot of us are listening to you for the first time, and are asking, how are you, mashaAllah, like how did you arrive at all of these conclusions at a very young age? I'm sure like not at nine and ten, but like in your early 20s, how were you able to put two and two together and understand that because of everything that's happened to me, this has contributed to this? Because I was just gonna ask you, like, how, why did you feel like you, you know, you blamed yourself and you wanted to over-exert yourself just to make sure that, you know, you were kind of trying to make sense of the world. And then you answered it very beautifully when you said, you know, these are things within my control, and that's what I could kind of exert myself in, because I felt that this is within my control, and I can kind of, even though it was counterproductive to my mental health, but I kept on doing it anyway. And you gave us the different examples. So, how were you able to get to this point where you're able to kind of, you know, put the puzzle pieces together and understand all of this? Of course, we're gonna talk more about it later, but I felt like it's nice to address it early on in the episode.

Yara: 22:14

I think this is a really good question, because it points out something that I was going to talk to about. Basically, we see a lot of the times only the bad side of things. And for me, something that I, as I said, struggled with and still struggle with my whole entire life is anxiety. Anxiety has so many bad side effects, but having that sort of, you know, my mind, my mom used to always say that it worked 24/7, it never shut off. I was always overthinking, thinking about every single possibility, thinking about everything about me, and everything around me and everything in the world, and taking on a lot of responsibility. When I was a teenager, I started sort of looking into philosophy, and I started looking into the way the world works, and I started looking into myself and psychology and therapy and so on. And I would say that I haven't really come to these conclusions until I was, you know, in my 20s, and that alhamdulillah I started going to therapy and, you know, having a bit of knowledge about, you know, trauma and and you know, the way that, you know, these primal years affect your life and looking back at it now and you know, listening to people talk, sort of gave me a bit of a head start in therapy. So I was able to communicate with my therapist that this is what I went through, this is the trauma that I have, and this is what I need to process. And so alhamdulillah, with the help of therapy, I'm at the point where I am today. And alhamdulillah, and hopefully I can continue working to becoming even better and understanding myself even more. 

Waheed: 23:42

InshaAllah. Yeah, beautiful answer. So, I mean, subhan Allah, like your story is quite unique in the sense that you understand the early childhood dynamics, but also there's a backdrop of war, you know, trauma with a capital T that's happening in the background. So this is very important to keep in mind, which is the lack of safety and security and the uncertainty that all of that entails, with destruction and the brutality of what that means. And as you said, you know, it's kind of nothing in comparison to the genocide that's happening now, but in and of itself, it was something that is you know very profound in terms of your own personal story. But keeping that in mind, when did you first start to notice your same-sex attractions and your understanding of your sexuality?

Yara: 24:31

So I would say my teenage years, my early teenage years, so I mean 13, 14, I was also a very late bloomer. And so before I actually hit puberty, I realized that I was a bit different than the girls around me, in the sense that I wasn't really interested in talking about boys. I wasn't really interested in, “Oh, who's your crush from the class?” or “Who's your crush from this series?” or so on. And you know, it took me a while before I realized that, oh, actually, like I do feel something towards girls. And at the beginning of it, I will be completely honest that I actually thought it was completely normal, and I thought that everybody experienced the same thing. And the way that I found that was very funny, it was around the YouTube era of James Charles! And I was basically like scrolling YouTube, and I saw one of his videos, and I had heard so many people talking about him, and I was, “Oh, like well, what is it about him?” And they're like, “Oh, he's gay, he likes boys”, and I'm like, Okay?!” And then, you know, the the realization came to me, and that was even so scary at that point because, you know, I was hearing horror stories actually from an older friend that, “Oh, if you don't get your period soon, you might actually turn out to be a boy!” And with all of these feelings that I'd already had, I started believing her. I was like, “Okay, you know what, I'm actually gonna turn out to not be a girl, and I'm just waiting for the moment that I have to confront my parents about it.”

Yeah, so the beliefs that I absorbed, I would say, about gender and sexuality were fragmented and harmful. And yeah, I see how much damage it does when you know your community sort of avoids these topics. And this is something that I really want to talk about, because I feel a deep disappointment when I look at how little our societies talked about these things. Conversations about puberty, bodies, sexuality, they were always dismissed as “’ayb” (عيب) or shameful or inappropriate. And even though every child inevitably faces these things, you know, and labeling them like that did not protect us in any way. It left kids like me feeling terrified and confused and searching for answers in whispers or unreliable resources, which we have a lot of. And, when you grow up believing that normal human development is shameful in any way, it kind of plants seeds of fear and blame that it takes you years really to unlearn. And if you don't teach your child, someone else will, someone else will instill incorrect notions and maybe even abuse the child and mislead them into thinking that this is what's expected from them, which is honestly just thinking about it is so heartbreaking, you know. We talk about the responsibility that you hold as a parent, and a lot of the times in our societies we think that this responsibility is physical protection or food or a roof over your head, and of course that's important, but you also have a responsibility to make sure that your children grow up with healthy or at least semi-healthy perceptions of the world. And I really hope, and I have a lot of faith that our generation is going to be the one that breaks this toxic cycle and teaches their children about these topics, because you know, having open, compassionate conversations will not corrupt kids, it will equip them. And, you know, by not speaking about them, we're not preserving innocence or honor or “Sharaf” (honor), we simply replaced it with ignorance and unnecessary suffering every single time that we avoid these topics.

Waheed: 28:09

Amen! Preach, sister! Yes, hands down, agree! By the way, I relate to that, everything that you said, and I agree 100% with the idea that a lot of what happens in our cultures - and I need to mention this as a caveat right now -- that this has nothing to do with our religion or our Islamic tradition. There is no shame in talking about, you know, the period, menstruation, you know, secondary sexual characteristics, you know, sexual developments, growing up, the bodily changes, everything from a physical, you know, also religious, fiqhi perspective. But unfortunately, these are all kind of that we see within within Arab and a lot of Muslim cultures, unfortunately. And this has nothing to do with Islam, but a lot of us we conflate this with Islam, that Islam, you know, shames you or Muslims shame you when you talk. Well, this is a Muslim thing, not an Islam thing, unfortunately. So this needs to be clear. Yeah.

Yara: 29:03

And I want to make it clear that also like this is true for people with OSA (opposite-sex attractions) as well. A lot of men and women get married and have a lot of troubles in their sexual life in their marriage, because they are so horribly uneducated about it. And unfortunately, a lot of men get their education from porn, and it just makes everything like a million times worse. This is not related to SSA, it's so you know.

Waheed 29:25

It is across the board, right? 

Yara 29:26

Everyone, exactly. Yeah.

Waheed: 29:29

So how did you, if if you didn't have any kind of sexual education, how did you get this information, or where did you get this information from, in your case?

Yara: 29:40

I mean, alhamdulillah, I would say, to some extent, my parents monitored my internet usage. And when my period finally came, I was relieved. And I was, you know, at least I'm not a boy, but I need to figure out why I'm attracted to girls. And the fear and the confusion still lingered. I was, you know, trying to get glimpses from you know anything that would they would talk about in a TV show, or anything that you know my friends would whisper, to kind of just understand anything about these topics. And, you know, this is actually something really interesting. Even in our books and in our curricula in school, they used to have you know lessons for these topics, but our teachers would would skip them. And I would actually go and like you know, it felt very rebellious of me at the time, to open the book and and read that chapter. And it was very difficult to educate myself, nonetheless, educate myself from, you know, correct resources.

Waheed: 30:36

Yes, yeah, understood.

Yara: 30:38

And so, at this point, I had realized my SSA, I was going through a lot of fear and denial, and I was seeing also how, you know, hated the community was, and this is a topic that I'm gonna jump into later, you know, again, just the differentiation between the action and the feeling. But in any case, I didn't understand any of that at that point, and I was scared. And I started kind of covering it up with, you know, an extremist feminist ideology to sort of avoid questions on why I hated men. And so there's something really important here that I'd like to point out before I start talking about this a little bit more, and it's, you know, that this isn't just in the East. Racist people will always pounce out villainizing Arabs and Muslim communities for their ill-treatment of women and lack of, let's say, balanced feminist ideologies. But I want to point out that the West isn't doing any better, although it's happening in different ways and contexts. There are so many ways that male dominance and and harmful gender norms negatively affect women in the West. And this includes sexualization and commodification of women, rape culture, alcohol-fueled assaults, hookup culture, and you know, so many other issues that are, you know, happening more often in the West than they are in our communities. And all of this to say is that anything that I mention about, you know, the “toxic patriarchy”, I witnessed does not in any way indicate that this is a bigger problem in the Middle East. I mean, sure, we have our problems, you know, like honor killings, and you know, we have a lot of problems as well, but do not forget that toxic masculinity and ill-treatment of women has been going on for centuries and all over the world.

Waheed: 32:22

Beautifully said, absolutely agree. And just a minor addition to what you said, which again, it it has to do with culture, not religion. Like Islam is against all of that, by the way. And it's about there's a sense of balance between the masculine and the feminine, and the roles of the masculine, the roles of the feminine, and you know, toxic masculinity has no place within Islam. And what you said in terms of like honor killings and the mistreatment of women and and all of that crap that happens has nothing to do with Islam. It is unfortunately because of culture and inter-generational trauma and a toxic kind of mindset. But yeah. Carry on.

Yara: 32:58

Yeah, so for me, I alhamdulillah haven't gone through any firsthand abuse by any men, and I haven't, you know, firsthand witnessed anything so traumatic when it came to this, but I was already building a perspective, I was building a backstory, you know. And I've heard so many stories at that point, whether in real life or online, about men abusing women. And, I learned about pay gaps and, you know, just the insane depth that, you know, the patriarchy and misogyny is so instilled deep within us. And, I have so many heated conversations with men about this, even at a young age. And at some point I gave up, because honestly, as a girl, sometimes all you want to hear from a man is, you know, “You're right, you have every right to be this angry and disgusted.” Maybe talk a little bit about, you know, how society shaped this, and how I can learn more about it in the future, and you know, be encouraging, be understanding. But unfortunately, I was met with toxic men, whether it was online or in real life, that have no idea what they were talking about, as well as traditionalist men that were trying to tell me that, you know, men provide and they do this and they do that, so they have every right to hit a woman and, you know, do so many horrible things that weren't related to to religion at all, and you know, using religion as sort of an excuse for this, which was absolutely disgusting in my opinion. 

And so I know that my opposition to men at this point was not healthy, but I had already been kind of you know not very fond of them, but at this point I became repulsed. And you know, it it became less of something I used to cover my SSA, and rather it became a reason for my SSA at some point, I felt like. And at this point, I had decided to discuss this with my dad. I was, you know, really close to him, as I said, in childhood. And you know, I would say unfortunately that at this age of my life, my relationship with him took a turn because, you know, I was disappointed in his perspective. I wish that he was a little bit more understanding of where I came from, and I wish that he was a little bit more, you know, he was kind of, let's say, not agreeing with all of the horrible things that were happening to women, and he said that it's absolutely horrible and it's disgusting and it shouldn't be happening. But he also was very, you know, “Like this is our community, unfortunately. There's nothing that we can do about it. You're probably gonna have to be married to a man someday, and you're not gonna be 100% fulfilled with everything that, you know, he has to offer, if these are your expectations.” And I was very disappointed, and I turned to my mom, who I'd always been close to, of course, but you know, after learning everything, I looked up to her so much more as a working woman in, you know, these sorts of societies, and specifically after everything that I learned and saw in that period.

Waheed: 35:54

So why did you call it an extremist feminist ideology that you turned to?

Yara: 36:00

Because I think, you know, after I grew up, I sort of met quite a lot of men that I honestly respect so much. And I think that, you know, at that point I was repulsed by men. I was generalizing, I was putting up a barrier, and I was at some point just angry. I was angry and I understand where it came from, but I also know that it wasn't very healthy, and that also a lot of the expectations that I had did it match reality, not in the sense that, I'm not sure how to put this. I'm gonna need a second to think about this. I'm trying to say basically that there's a lot of expectations that I had at that point of my life that were not realistic and not things that I agree with right now, right? So we know that there is a difference between equality and fairness, right? And I at that point wanted men and women to be equal in every single thing, which I know right now is not realistic. I know that God set these differences, exactly, exactly, to make things fair and to make things better for both women and men. And I understand this now. At that point, I was coming from a good place, I know that, that you know, after seeing all of the horrific things that were happening, I understand where I was coming from, but the way it progressed was not healthy and the expectations that I had were very unrealistic and very unfair.

Waheed: 37:32

So you became a bit more extreme in that you rejected men and everything they stood for, so to speak.

Yara: 37:38

Absolutely, yes.

Waheed: 37:40

Okay. And how did that change your dynamic with your father? As you said, you know, you were very close to him growing up, but now that created kind of like a separation between the both of you, and you were driven more towards your mother than your father.

Yara: 37:55

Yeah, so I'd always been close to him, and I still am, of course. He's still a huge part of my life, but I would say I stopped kind of getting that emotional validation from him, because to me, at some point, it stopped mattering. You know, I wanted to kind of connect with him on that level, and I wanted him to agree with me. And you know, throughout my teenage years, I was having a hard time emotionally connecting with him. Alhamdulillah, after I learned, you know, more, and you know my opinions became a little bit more balanced, I got, you know, closer to him again. 

Waheed: 38:27

Okay. Yeah, sounds good. And with all of this happening, how was your relationship with Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala and religion in general? Was there also kind of a negative perception when it comes to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala? Because like we understand that our perception of Allah growing up also has to do with our perception of our parents most of the time. So, how did that shift kind of create any shift, if any, happened at that time with your relationship with Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala and the deen at large?

Yara: 39:00

I think honestly, unfortunately, as much as I did practice back then, and I read the Quran, and I memorized it, and I prayed from a very early age, I think unfortunately I was missing a lot of the fundamentals of the religion, and I didn't fully understand how to connect with God. You know, when I wanted to escape, I would pray to him, and I would in some way I had a connection with God, but I wouldn't say that, you know, it was of course you can't really expect to have a you know a very strong connection with God in your childhood, and it grew, you know, when I went into my teenage years. And you know, in my childhood also I would say a lot of my religiousness, let's say, was coming from, you know, wanting approval from my parents that, “Oh, if I read more Quran, or if I prayed, or if I prayed Sunnah, or if I fasted, they would be impressed and they would, you know, validate me basically.”

Waheed: 39:53

And did any anything change throughout the years, like afterwards? Did you go through a period where you kind of questioned certain things within the deen or you left Islam because of any struggles that you went through, or was it kind of an ebb and flow and it was in general okay most of the time?

Yara: 40:12

So for me, it was very much a process. I had moments where I was very close to God, I had moments where I wasn't. And I had also moments, you know, when I was a teenager, when I was looking into philosophy, when I was asking all of these, you know, basic questions, I kind of started questioning my faith and really my belief at all. You know, as I said, it went up and down, it was changing all throughout the years. But, alhamdulillah, I think now I've gotten to a state where I'm happy with it. And of course we're always trying, we're thriving to become better, and to get closer to God. And I'm gonna talk specifically about, you know, the time that I most disconnected from religion, and that was, you know, related to, you know, the voices that I was hearing that were representing it, and I'm gonna talk about that in the next section.

Waheed: 41:10

So the next theme you wanted to talk to us about is the theme of mental health and the struggles that came with that. So, what can you tell us about that?

Yara: 41:19

So I've lived with anxiety for really as long as I remember. And it wasn't, you know, just me being dramatic. It actually runs in my family. And one of my relatives actually lives with schizophrenia, another has OCD, severe OCD. And so you know, mental health struggles were really never something that was abstract or a Western trend. To me, they were very real, they were genetic, and they shape my life every single day. For me, anxiety went hand in hand with shame about my same-sex attraction. And I placed very impossible expectations on myself. And I made myself physically sick from the pressure, you know, the panic and the fear and the endless overthinking. It actually became so heavy to the point where I had to finish my last couple of years of high school from home. And you know, part of that was because of the war that was happening outside, but the bigger part I would say was because of the war inside of my own head. I know it sounds cliche, but...

Waheed: 42:26

It makes a lot of sense. Yeah.

Yara: 42:28

Yeah. So at some point I was diagnosed with general anxiety disorder and depression, as well as mild OCD. And I had you know quite a bit of therapy experiences. Some of them were good and some of them were bad. You know, during my childhood, I saw a couple of therapists, but I would say they weren't really equipped to handle what I was carrying. And it wasn't until later that, with my current therapist actually, that I finally feel like I'm kind of getting the help that could change my life really. And, this is why I always tell people: do not give up if your first experience isn't great. Finding the right therapist is really just as important as the decision to go in the first place.

Waheed: 43:14

We are assuming right now that you were still in Gaza at that time. So was that, I mean, all of this period that you're telling us about has been or it actually took place in Gaza, or were you able to kind of leave? Did you live elsewhere? How did that look like for you?

Yara: 43:29

So specifically for my therapy, I'm gonna mention that my first experiences with therapy were in Gaza, but throughout my whole childhood, I never really stayed in one place. So all of this was happening in many different places. Like every single year I was somewhere new. Even within Gaza, I was switching where I was living, I was going to new schools and so on. I was never, I can't, you know, say I was 100% in Gaza at this time and 100% not. And even after I left Gaza “for good”, and I hope it's not for good, I still went back to visit quite a lot. And I actually witnessed one of the wars when I was back visiting. So it's a bit of a mess, you know.

Waheed: 44:09

Right, right. Which also kind of adds to that backdrop of of anxiety and uncertainty, that the fact that you were forced to kind of move or relocate from one place to another and you were forced to create kind of a new environment for yourself every single time, it adds to that level of uncertainty, vulnerability, anxiety, and all of that. It doesn't really help much.

Yara: 44:29

Yeah, absolutely. And I want to say that the instability basically and the moving around quite a lot was 100% the reason that I was, you know, so attached to my parents in a dysfunctional way. And I had separation anxiety at ages that, you know, no one has separation anxiety, like, you know, being 15 or 16 and feeling anxious when one of my parents left for work was something that was, you know, horrible. And yeah, it was it all stemmed from from that, I would say.

Waheed: 44:59

Yeah. And how were you able to cope with all of that?

Yara: 45:02

It wasn't, I would say, the healthiest ways. I mentioned that, you know, a lot of the times I was putting more expectations on myself, and you know, sort of, you know, living in the delusion that I had control over it, which I didn't, but I think that it was, you know, some way of coping. It wasn't healthy, but I was coping with it. As well as, you know, when I went to therapy the first couple of times, they weren't that helpful, but they gave me some ways that I could cope with it, you know, including exercising and meditation and so on. 

And you know, I need to say this bluntly, by the way. Like I'm gonna hold your hand when I say this: If you need therapy, go. Do not fool yourself into thinking that you're being noble or altruistic by saying: “I don't need it”, or “I don't believe in these modernist ideas”. You are just you're not being strong, you're just holding yourself back from your full potential. And, you know, when you hold yourself back, you don't just harm yourself, but you harm your loved ones and your community, because this unhealed pain isn't gonna stay, it's it's gonna spill out and it's gonna hurt the people around you, and, you know, the cycle is gonna continue. And also at the same time, therapy is not a magic cure. It will help, it will give you more comfort, resilience, it will give you maturity and empathy, but it's not gonna erase the sadness and the fear and the discomfort forever and 100%. And it will not “get rid of SSA”.  That shouldn't really be your main goal going into it. And you know, it's the point of therapy is giving you tools to live and you know not fundamentally change who you are.

Waheed: 46:37

Beautifully said, agree 100%.

Yara: 46:39

So, and I want to point out here, because a lot of times during my life, I didn't have access to therapy, and, I want to point out that there are steps that you can take. So, you know, talk to a trusted friend, lean on online resources that are safe and reliable, as well as finding a supportive community, like this one, and getting involved in activities that give you structure and purpose. These things matter, and I know they sound cliche. I know everybody's saying them, but there's a reason that people are saying them. Also, get a cat, or two or three, maybe. You know, I cannot I cannot suggest this enough. So having something to take care of is obviously very, very helpful. So if you can, if you have the means to, if you can take care of an animal, specifically a cat, get one. As well as working out. I want to point out that I'm not really the most athletic person. And, I know that, as people with SSA, we are very inclined to be the absolute best at what we do. So I want to point out, I'm not asking you to be an all-star NBA player, but do something that you enjoy, go running, swimming, or even just going on a hot girl walk, that's completely fine. And I know again you've heard this so many times before, but there is a reason why, and specifically in a day and age where doom scrolling is taking so many hours of our day, and brain rot is literally defining our generation. Take matters into your own hands, really read a book, touch some grass. 

Waheed: 48:11

Agree. Beautifully said, absolutely. So, how many cats do you have, by the way?

Yara: 48:17

I have one as of right now. And I lost my last cat in the war, unfortunately, but I'm planning to get another one soon.

Waheed: 48:24

Okay, well, alhamdulillah, that's good. So, yeah, so you told me about the feelings of shame and feeling like you're not good enough. How were you able to work on this?

Yara: 48:37

Again, this was all mostly for me,therapy, alhamdulillah. And just, you know, learning and reading more. You know, of course I didn't start listening to the podcast until you know a very late time in my life, but the podcast was really fundamental to me. And Waheed, I cannot say this enough. Thank you for everything that you put into that podcast. That, in and of its own, is just a whole like thing for me. Like I learned so much from it, and it's just one of the many resources that you know really changed who I am and helped me learn about myself. And of course, therapy, and you know, slowly you you start to kind of see how God you know made each of us special and how God loves you no matter what, no matter who you are, God loves you, He created you, and you know, you just kind of have to see His love for you, and you know give yourself some credit. 

Again, it's very difficult. And I know that you know, it's also pretty common in the SSA community that, you know, we struggle with, you know, shame and guilt and seeing ourselves as less than others around us. But you know, I really want to say that getting closer to God and loving God, you see the love from Him, and you start seeing yourself in a much better light. And so, also something else is that you know, I talked a lot about therapy, but you know, I want to point out that psychology and spirituality, they go hand in hand, but they're not the same. And so therapy cannot in any way replace your relationship with Allah. And, you know, also your faith alone shouldn't replace addressing your mental health issues if you have them. So you need both; pray, fast, read Quran, and make sure that that connection is alive and strong, and also, if you need to, do the inner work through therapy or support, each of these roles is you know, it can't fill the other one. But together they create an amazing balance and you're gonna see so so much nur and light and love in your life. 

So to kind of just wrap up this theme, I want to quote an ayah from the Quran “Increase through him my strength” in Surah Taha (Ushdud bihi azri). You know, I find this ayah very interesting because why would Moses, who could directly speak with Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, ask for his brother's help instead of asking Allah to support him directly? And you know, here I just see so many beautiful points in such a short ayah. First of all, reliance on Allah includes causes and means. Prophets themselves planned and consulted, and you know, it shows how faith is very practical and realistic. As well as, you know, Moses asking for his brother's assistance, you know, it shows how we need people along our side, you know, to help us carry out our earthly and spiritual and moral responsibilities. And, you know, this shows the importance of community support. You know, even again, the greatest Prophets needed helpers. And this isn't just seen in the story of Moses, but in the stories of so many other Prophets. So it's natural for us, and it's very healthy for us to seek teamwork and guidance. And, you know, it kind of highlights the balance that we need to have between action and faith. So, you know, tawakkul (reliance on Allah + putting in the action) and tawaakul (not putting in the effort while justifying that Allah will take care of things), we need to stay away from tawaakul and we need to kind of, you know, put in our effort, put in our, you know, worldly effort, and also combine that with the spiritual trust, so we can have the best balance.

Waheed: 52:23

Alhamdulillah. MashaAllah, I never thought about that ayah from that perspective, but you really hit the nail on the head, mashaAllah. That indeed Prophet Musa (PBUH), he did have complete reliance on Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, but he also took the means into account, the fact that his brother was gonna be a source of support for him, and that did not diminish his reliance on Allah in any way or form. And just to kind of clarify for the listeners who are not familiar with the concept, so tawakkul means complete reliance on Allah, and it also means taking the means that Allah has given you to achieve a certain end. Whereas tawaakul means that you just rely on Allah and say, “Okay, well, you know I'm not gonna do anything, Allah is gonna provide for me.” But that is kind of counterintuitive to the concept of tawakkul, which means that you do your part and then you leave the rest up to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, relying on Him completely throughout the process. 

Waheed: 53:25

The third theme that you wanted to talk about pertains to social and cultural pressures growing up, you know, in your childhood, in your adolescent years, early adulthood. What can you tell us about this?

Yara: 53:39

So growing up in you know a conservative society, I was, you know, faced with a lot of, you know, let's say homophobic comments in my community. And actually, it was very rare to hear these comments, because it was so demonized to the point where you know that that part of the story would be ripped out of the book, not the Quran, but you know, like the Prophet stories books, for example, you wouldn't see Prophet Lut's story. And it wasn't included in any kind of religious curriculum that we had in school. And I just find that, you know, we were learning and reading about so many, you know, horrible things that have been committed, like, you know, worshiping of false gods and murder and adultery and so many other major sins. And, you know, I really want to make sure that I'm not endorsing this in any way. I know that it is a sin. But I also know that it shouldn't have been shoved under the carpet, and we shouldn't have been pretending like it's not a real problem that so many people face.

Waheed: 54:39

Absolutely. I agree 100%. And obviously it doesn't.. This is, we need to kind of, I have two caveats at this point. This has nothing to do, again, with Islam, it has more to do with culture. And I think people are tired of me repeating the same sentence over and over again in this episode, but it needs to kind of get out. And it's not just about, I don't think it's just limited to like Palestinian culture or Middle Eastern culture, it's all across the board, particularly within the Muslim communities, all across the board. And I think with the newer generations, things are getting better, but I think that either extreme is not helpful. And I think you and I can both agree that we have, as individuals who struggle with same-sex attractions or gender dysphoria, you know, either extreme has brought a lot of you know negative consequences to the issue of homosexual tendencies or gender dysphoria or whatever it is, particularly to people who are trying to stay true to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala and Islam, that shoving it under the carpet, pretending it doesn't exist really adds fuel to the fire because it's like, “I don't matter, I don't exist, no one is talking about this. What the hell am I supposed to do?” And then the other side, which is, “Oh, that's fine, you know, let's celebrate it!” This is also goes against our religious values and our beliefs, right? 

The right way to go about it is like the “wasatiya”, you know, the way of Islam, which is kind of the middle road, the middle path, which is: let's talk about it, and let's differentiate between desires and actions, and let us kind of understand how to help people, how to address this in a prophetic, God-conscious way, which is the way of Islam, the way of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. That makes a big difference. And you said, you know, homophobic, well, the homophobic comments you mentioned it's either basically they didn't even bring this up altogether, or if they did, you know, probably it was given a negative light. So that is quite problematic. And I think, again, it has to do more with culture and what is culturally deemed appropriate versus what is part and parcel of Islam. Like the other day, and I'm sorry to go on a tangent, but I just kind of like, the other day, like I was ranting to a friend, and like “I'm sick and tired of this and that”, and we were talking about the fact that within the Muslim community, like we know that the hadith of the “Al Sab’ al-Mubiqat”, you know, the seven deadly sins in Islam, and among them are listed, you know, like using usury, like the interests nowadays, this is considered one of the deadly sins, or speaking behind someone's back, particularly a woman who is married and kind of speaking about her honor in a bad way, you know, kind of attacking her honor. Whether that's true or not, that is not, you know, that is not the point. But particularly if a woman is chaste and is leading a God-conscious lifestyle, a lifestyle of taqwa, and someone kind of attacks her honor, that is one of the seven deadly sins. And even, you know, other things that, but homosexuality is not listed among them, by the way. This is not to say that homosexuality, the homosexual actions are not a grave sin. Of course they are. But you know, there are so many things that we, within our cultures, we take very lightly that these things in and of themselves are considered deadly sins. Like taking interest rates from the banks, this is kind of a no-brainer for a lot of people. They do it on a regular basis. Or a lot of people, like when they sit down and they talk about other people, you know, they commit ghibah and backbiting, they talk about also they kind of sometimes insult people's honors. And this is a grave, grave sin. But when homosexuality is mentioned - so these things they take them very lightly, but when we talk, God forbid, someone mentions homosexual behaviors and all hell breaks loose. So I'm like, what kind of hypocrisy is this? You know, like either we go to one extreme or the other, that doesn't really help. And, this shows you that, again, it has nothing. Honestly, this is not proper religious understanding. It has to do with culture and what people deem as culturally appropriate. And this kind of only adds fuel to the fire. But yeah, this is my rant for today.

Yara: 58:41

Absolutely, so beautifully said, actually, so beautifully said, I couldn't agree more. Honestly, like it's so, I am actually baffled when I see how we become so desensitized to sins that are deadly, sins that are mentioned in the Quran once and twice and three times, but then we get stuck on things because again, culture, and we really, really need to draw that line between culture and religion. We really need to make the difference.

Waheed: 59:09

Of course. Yeah. So how did you process that growing up, you know, when either that wasn't talked about, or you saw like missing pages from like a religion book because they were too kind of afraid or ashamed of talking about these things, or hearing negative comments about, let's say, “homosexuals” or whatever. How did that affect you? How did you deal with that?

Yara: 59:32

So this is again something that at that point, I hadn't really realized the difference between, you know, the act and the feeling. And so it felt like it was directed right at me. And I absorbed every single one of those comments, every single one of them reminded me that if anyone knew what I was feeling, that I wouldn't be accepted, that I would be shunned, and everyone was gonna hate me. And of course I was you know closeted for this whole entire time. And you know, even though no one was really directing this message to me specifically or pressuring me, I absorbed the community's message. And I also sort of internalized the belief that I'm gonna grow out of it at some point, and I'm gonna get married and it's gonna go away. And the voice I would say lived in my head, and it became an internal pressure, and it made me believe that I had to try at some point to get married, and you know that terrified me really. And you know, this just goes to show that sometimes, unrealistic expectations and cultural norms, they don't need to be spoken out loud, they don't need to be said to you, your parents don't need to say them to you, but you will carry them inside of you, and they will push you to do things that you don't really want to do.

Waheed: 01:00:44

Absolutely, yeah. Was this ever talked about within your household? Were you ever able to kind of open this topic up with your parents or your siblings or people close to you, or you did you just keep it to yourself?

Yara: 01:01:02

Absolutely not. I mean, at least until I was like 20, this topic was pretended like it's not even a thing, like in my family or in my community. You know, my close family, it was not something that was discussed at all. It was completely ignored. I mean, of course, if it was brought up, I would hear a negative comment. But, you know, at least from my parents, I never talked to them about it. It was never something that was ever mentioned in our household. And, you know, like it wasn't something that I would talk about with my parents until, you know, I was at least 20, was the first time that I mentioned it to them. And, you know, I tried to mention it to them in the sense that, “Oh, I have a friend that's going through this and they feel this way and they don't want to practice it and so on”, and they still saw it as a disease, they still saw it as something that was, you know, shameful and something that, you know, “He could have done that, he could have fixed it, he could have worked on it, he could have gotten rid of it.” 

And, and so I sort of internalized, as I said, this pressure that I needed to get married, and I attempted serious or, you know, at least semi-serious talks with a couple of guys. And it was probably the worst thing that I could have done for myself. Every attempt failed and it really only worsened my self-esteem. And honestly, I mean, looking back at it, it was quite painful in the moment. But, alhamdulillah, I'm so happy that, you know, I didn't end up following through on any of them, because I would not have had a happy marriage or a happy life in any of those situations. And, subhan Allah, this just shows how in the moment, things can be very painful and they feel very, you know, like, what am I gonna do now? And this is the worst thing ever. But, you know, looking back at it, and it's not even that long ago, looking back at it after a year or two years, I'm just like, thank you, God, for keeping me away from that guy! 

So like, at this point, I was just like, okay, you know what, this is a dead end. I was facing a lot of conflict between the social expectations and my religious identity and my personal feelings, and it was a difficult time for me. But, you know, I sort of realized that, you know, marriage was not the answer. And this was also the time that I said goodbye to my family, and I went to pursue my degree abroad, and I was about 17 at that point. You know, I still had a pretty good connection to God at that point, I would say alhamdulillah. Like after I went through those experiences, I sort of, you know, grew closer to God, which also, you know, shows how you know some painful experiences can also push you closer to God, which is going to be very healthy and very good for you at the end of the day. And so I used duaa and prayers as anchors through these hard times when I was getting closer to God, alhamdulillah. And, you know, this was actually right before I sort of had a disconnection, one of my biggest, from religion. And you know, that was when I was first separated from my parents, and you know, I started kind of finding problems and, you know, I needed to find connection with religion without feeling like I was only listening to the masculine perspective. 

Waheed: 01:04:17

All right, so the fourth theme you wanted to talk about is related to your faith journey and your relationship with Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. And you have touched a little bit upon this earlier, but what can you tell us more when it comes to this particular topic?

Yara: 01:04:36

So I want to say, up until I was a teenager, I didn't really have, you know, a huge connection with God. I understood, you know, how to do things, I understood how to pray, and how to fast, and so on. But I would say that, you know, at some point for all of us, when you sort of enter adulthood, you have to kind of develop your own connection with God. I feel like a lot of the time when we're teenagers or children, our connection with God is similar to, you know, the way that our parents worship and the way that our parents connect with God is what we consider the way that we have to connect with God. And so I think for you know, any Muslim, it's very healthy and it's very encouraged that when you enter your adult years, you start kind of looking into things from your own perspective and understanding things, you know, the way that makes sense to you. 

And so, for me, this came when I left my parents and you know, I was in a brand new place all my own. And, it was a very difficult moment in my life, and it deepened my reliance on Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. And, you know, the first couple of months, it was, you know, something that, you know, I had a connection and it was strong, and alhamdulillah, everything was good. But unfortunately, my relationship with faith and with Islam wasn't very linear. I drifted away, at some point, and especially when I kind of felt like religion was dominated by male voices and perspectives. A lot of questions I had when I was exploring Islam on my own were related to feminism and related to you know women in the Quran. And I wanted to hear perspectives that I felt like aligned with me. And when I didn't find those answers, I felt very discouraged. And, you know, so often culture is mixed with religion, and I rarely heard women speaking or preaching, and the masculine lens pushed me away. 

And you know, it sort of at some point made me realize how important it was to kind of connect with Islam and you know, directly and authentically, and without having that cultural baggage. So I want to say that if you struggle with the same thing, remember that it's not religion, it's the misrepresentation. You know, the episode that you had actually about Reflections on Divine Love and Mercy really changed my way of thinking. And it was one of those episodes that I actually listened to multiple times.

Waheed: 01:07:10

Oh, wow, mashaAllah.

Yara: 01:07:11

Yeah, for anyone that's struggling, take your time. Find scholars whose ideas you agree with and you know, whom when you listen to you feel at ease. You know, for me, one of the hardest parts of practicing Islam wasn't prayer or fasting or you know, avoiding temptation or following the rules. It was finding true safety and comfort in Allah's words amid all of the noise. And so, too often, I encountered self-proclaimed, and I enunciate the quote unquote “scholars”, whose harsh rhetoric, which was very male-centered and you know, fear-based sermons, you know, it pushed me away rather than drawing me close to Allah. And they spoke constantly of hell and punishment, and rarely of Allah's mercy and love, which the Quran mentions far more often. 

Waheed: 01:08:02

I mean, at this point, like you can write a whole thesis on this, subhan Allah.

Yara: 01:08:08

Yeah. As someone that was already very wary of the male authority, their words only really deepened my frustration. But, Alhamdulillah, and I really, really hope that anyone that is struggling with something similar, and it doesn't have to be feminism for you, by the way, if it's SSA, for example, and it's holding you back and you feel like you're not hearing the right perspectives, please put in the effort. You know, when I eventually took control, I actually like physically blocked so many of these scholars that I kept getting on my feed that were just spewing nonsense, and you know, they were harming my faith. And I sought out scholars and teachers whose approach was balanced and compassionate and inclusive. And those to me felt like true Islam. Those to me felt like, you know, what Allah was saying in the Quran, what Allah was was telling us, that was the correct interpretation, the interpretation of rahmah, of mercy, you know, men and women stand equally in front of Allah. 

And I'm gonna say, like it's gonna take you time and, you know, discernment to find these voices, but doing so was transformative for me. And curating the influences that you allow in your life can protect your heart, and it can renew your connection to faith. So yeah, all I can say here is take your time. It's gonna actually change your life, the way that you connect with Allah. If you feel like there is any kind of barrier between you and Him, if you feel like there's something that you are not fully satisfied with, if there's something that you don't feel at ease with, listen to more people, get those voices out that are always scaring you and always making religion feel like such a rigid, scary thing. And, you know, for me, this was actually the time that I started seeking out, you know, the content, and I found a lot of scholars, both women and men, that I resonated with. And this is around the time that I also found the podcast. And, you know, it was enlightening. I found so much compassion and understanding, and I was able to see the beauty and the balance and the mercy and not just the rules and the restrictions. 

And, you know, not to say that I'm perfect, you know, I'm not at all, and we're all trying our best to stay on the halal path, but I think it's so much easier to listen to these rules and restrictions in their contexts when you're listening to people that you trust. And so to me at this point, this was a huge shift in my faith. It became central to me in so many ways. And I had developed an understanding that I think, you know, inshaAllah, you know, Allah keeps us on the Straight Path. But I think that, you know, even when I do struggle now, most of what I go back to is what I learned during that period of time. I think it was very influential, and it set some very important fundamentals that I think are going to be crucial for me and my journey with Islam in the future.

Waheed: 01:11:10

MashaAllah. That is absolutely beautiful, mashaAllah. And I could not agree more, kind of setting boundaries and blocking out the voices that are kind of harmful and negative. And you know, we all understand – we can give so many examples of those. But, alhamdulillah, I mean, there are lots of very compassionate and very kind of God-centric voices that are on the righteous path, insha'Allah, who are, mashaAllah, doing a lot of great work. So may Allah bless them and increase them. I totally agree. And I think maybe like 10-15 years ago, we didn't have as much, particularly I mean, when it comes to SSA or gender dysphoria, 10-15 years ago we didn't have a lot of vocal scholars who maybe understood or spoke about this topic. I mean with knowledge, let alone with compassion. But nowadays, mashaAllah, there are lots of these scholars, men and women alike, as you mentioned. So this is a huge blessing, alhamdulillah. Yeah. 

Yara: 01:12:03

Absolutely. 

Waheed: 01:12:16

Okay, so with theme number five, we start kind of to witness a shift that you described as awakening and self-acceptance. So when did this begin? How did this take place? Walk us through it.

Yara: 01:12:31

So when I was in that period of disconnect from God, I actually met a lot of LGBTQ+ individuals. And, you know, when I was questioning my faith, when it was very, you know, unstable, I was, you know, considering, you know, kind of leaving it altogether and you know, just joining that lifestyle. And alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, I thank God so much for this, that, you know, I just had that voice inside of me that pulled me back. There was an anchor, and I was able to, you know, as I said, put in the effort to find voices that I resonated with and you know, I felt comfortable. 

And you know, alhamdulillah, I found a lot of comfort in this period, but also, you know, I kind of realized that, okay, I still do have to figure this out. I have SSA, and how do I deal with it? And so at this point, I had realized that, okay, marriage is not a fix, and trying to force myself into it is only gonna think make things so much worse. And it became clear that, you know, like living that way would be very harmful to me and and you know, my loved ones. And eventually I “came out” to a few close friends and to my brother. And sharing that part of me lifted a huge weight and it gave me space to breathe. And, you know, one of the biggest reasons that I actually chose to record this episode and to do this is because, you know, I wanted to normalize our experiences. Too many Muslims and, you know, even people that I deeply love in my own family still believe that we are somehow cursed or that, you know, it's entirely within our control to stop these feelings. And, as I mentioned before, it wasn't really a topic that was discussed in my household at all. But, you know, when I was going into my 20s and I was, you know, developing this narrative, I, you know, I wanted to see where my parents stood on it. And, you know, unfortunately, I was disappointed, you know, having these arguments with my parents from behind the wall, of course, and I was pretending that I wasn't the one that was living this struggle. So I told them that I have a friend and he's going through this and he, you know, doesn't want to act on it and so on. And they were, you know, very like, “Oh, absolutely not. You can't be Muslim if you have those thoughts. You can't be, you know, if you have those thoughts, you need to figure it out, you need to be closer to God, you need to do this and you need to do that.” And I was disappointed. 

You know, considering all of the trauma that I've been through, it's very.. I don't even know how, but that was really one of the hardest things that I've ever faced. And so, it just broke me, it shattered me. And if I hadn't had that connection to God, yeah, honestly, it could have been, you know, my final reason. And so I want the next generation of kids to feel that they can be authentic and honest about their fears, their worries, and their questions, and to be met with with love and open arms by the Muslim community around them. And we owe it to this Ummah to create that environment of compassion and understanding.

Waheed: 01:15:44

Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah. I salute you and I think this is incredible, mashaAllah, what you're saying, and I could not agree more. I'm curious, so you came out to some of your close friends and to your brother. How did your brother take it, by the way?

Yara: 01:15:57

My brother, I would say he knew. And it was quite a funny thing, because we used to always talk about it. I used to always joke to him that I was a “lesbian” and he used to always, you know, joke to me about it. But at some point, you know, I sat him down and I said, “By the way, you know that I'm not joking, right?” And he said, “Yeah, I figured it out at some point.” It was kind of anticlimactic, but it was it was good for me that it was anticlimactic.

Waheed: 01:16:21

Right, alhamdulillah. And what about your close friends?

Yara: 01:16:25

So my close friends, I would say, also took it pretty well. Actually, my closer friends are not really religious, so they weren't, you know, gonna care if I was practicing or not, but they were happy that I shared that part of me with them. And, yeah, alhamdulillah, and I haven't regretted it.

Waheed: 01:16:43

Beautiful, mashaAllah. And I think, you know, talking about quote unquote whatever you want to call it “coming out” or “disclosure” or “revealing” this part of you to someone else. I think there's a lot of -- a lot of people ask me, like, “Why do people who experience SSA need to kind of disclose this to someone else?” And I always kind of tell them there is a lot of healing that comes out of that when you share that kind of very intimate part of yourself with someone else who is not just a random person, it's with someone that -- the way that I'd like to phrase it is someone who has earned the right and the privilege to hear your story. It's not a random person that you just met, it's someone with whom you have had a lot of experiences, that you've found to be trustworthy, and who is there for you and who can understand what you're sharing with them. And of course, there's a leap of faith, you can't really guarantee how the other person's gonna react. But if it's a positive reaction, just like with your brother, with your friends, you know, there's a lot of kind of beauty and healing that comes out of that, that you feel that this part of you that you may be ashamed of, that shame kind of dissipates with time, alhamdulillah. So I'm happy that you had these experiences. 

So, what else have you kind of when it comes to what you termed as awakening and self-acceptance, how has this kind of trickled down into other aspects of your life?

Yara: 01:18:02

To me, I would say I developed my own sense of pride, and not in the bad way, but it meant something different to me. Alhamdulillah, at this point, I was getting closer to God. And, you know, the feeling that I would say describes me better actually was content. I saw more the blessing behind Allah's choice for me, and the way that this would potentially be a sign for me to focus on other things that are important to me, like my career, my education, and you know, most importantly, my relationship with Allah. And so I actually want to make it clear that, you know, my goal when I started, you know, this journey of looking into my SSA was, you know, to kind of completely get rid of it. And you know, being an over planner, it was difficult, but at some point I kind of realized that, you know, you're setting this trust and faith in Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. And when I did that, for me, it was, you know, I had to kind of take this, you know, gamble. And it was like, I wanted something out of this journey, but I knew that if God didn't see that that was the right thing for me, that He wouldn't give it to me and that He would give me something else. 

And so I had to set my trust and faith in Allah that He's gonna give me a life that was full of love and light. And it may not be in the stereotypical love story or big declarations, but you know, it it's gonna be right for me, inshaAllah. And I think I've developed a lot of, you know, faith in this, and I try to thank God every single day and to express my gratitude that I even get to be on this journey. And you know, something else that is really important to me here, and I know that we always talk about this, but we hear so much in Western communities, that you know, not acting on it is you know being a coward, that you know, true freedom means, you know, being your authentic self. And as much as I agree with that, your authentic self is not defined by your urges. And true freedom, to me at least, means living according to what fulfills my spirit and my soul. And, you know, that meant that not every single urge has to be followed, and not every single attraction defines who I am. And you know, it meant that you know what fulfilled me was aligning with my standards and my values. And, to me, that was true self-love and and acceptance. 

And to end this theme off, I wanted to quote from my favorite author, Paulo Cuelho, “The two hardest tests on the spiritual road are the patience to wait for the right moment, and the courage not to be disappointed with what you encounter.” For me, an earlier test comes the moment that I would choose to begin. So when I began this journey, I was scared because I was stepping into a path without guarantees. I wasn't sure what I was gonna find. I wasn't sure if this was gonna be the thing that connected me to God, or, you know, something that, you know, did the complete opposite. And I wasn't sure if, you know, what I was asking God was going to be overall what was best for me. I was going in honestly blind. And, as I said, being an over planner, being someone that tries to control everything, this was something that, you know, I absolutely struggled with at the beginning. But you know, the way through it is trust, and deciding that anything that is born from closeness to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala can only bring good. And even if the outcome isn't what I had imagined or prayed for, I believe deep down that His plan will ultimately be the best for me.

Waheed: 01:21:47

Beautiful reflections, mashaAllah. Alhamdulillah. That's excellent. May Allah bless you, mashaAllah. When you and I were kind of talking for the first time and you were sharing with me all of these themes, and we were kind of like organizing or brainstorming some ideas that you wanted to share. And we talked about labels and pink washing in particular. And you were quite, I wouldn't say triggered, but rather you were kind of, you had a lot of emotions and you wanted to express yourself, and I'm like, go for it. So, what do you want to tell us when it comes to this topic?

Yara: 01:22:20

Honestly, this topic is one that feels very near and dear to my heart, because I, again, have been learning so much about SSA and the LGBTQ community and also being a Palestinian. And I feel like I have, you know, developed an understanding of you know all of the dimensions of this topic. And so, you know, hearing those arguments that say that, “Oh, ‘Israel’ has every right to be doing what it's doing, you know what those Palestinians are doing, they're terrorists, they hate gay people,” and so on. And using those “LGBT rights” as a justification for mass violence and genocide against Palestinians is both insanely illogical and also very dishonest. International law is clear. Genocide and collective punishment are forbidden under all circumstances, no matter a community’s social views. And it is true that polls show that many Palestinians hold conservative attitudes towards homosexuality, this is not unique. Religious Jews in “Israel” and conservative Christians in the US also show very low support for same-sex marriage. And crucially, also, opposing the same-sex marriage does not mean that you're committing violence towards them. 

Incidents of anti-LGBTQ hate do occur in Palestine, but very rarely. And they are so insanely rare compared to the systematic and state-directed violence that Palestinians face. In reality, a queer Palestinian is far more likely to be killed by an Israeli airstrike or a sniper or a bombing than by a hate crime from within their own community. Even Israel's own legal system does not even allow full equality, and it still bans same-sex marriage at home, and it only recognizes basically marriages that are performed abroad. And so, this glossy image of Tel Aviv pride, and mostly tourists, by the way, does not in any way reflect the majority of Israeli society, where ultra-orthodox and also traditionalist groups together, they're more than half of the population, more than half of the Jewish population. And, you know, they overwhelmingly oppose LGBTQ rights. And so pink washing, in the end, is not in any way about protecting queer people. It is just a PR strategy to distract from and excuse the violations of basic human rights that are happening in Gaza and in Palestine and that have been happening since 1948.

Waheed: 01:24:50

Beautifully said. And honestly, at this point, they're like they want to get their hands on any kind of argument, no matter how ludicrous it is, just to paint Palestinians and the occupied population as the aggressors, and to kind of deflect from the actual aggressors, you know, the insanity of what's happening in terms of the ethnic cleansing and the mass killings and the genocide that's taking place nowadays. So this argument in and of itself is just ludicrous. I just cannot even deal with this. But yeah, you kind of laid it out very beautifully. So I don't think I can add more to what you said, mashaAllah. But I felt that this should actually be part of this episode, because you were quite emotional when we discussed it last time.

Yara: 01:25:37

So yeah, and I still am, and I will forever be, because it’s completely baseless and you know, just like outright illogical arguments is something that really makes my blood boil. You cannot in any way, in any way, justify a genocide.

Waheed: 01:25:54

Of course, of course. And this is not, I mean, as you said it, you know, it's across the board. I think with awareness and education, a lot of people, like when you confront people with facts, with a little bit of compassion, a little bit of facts that are grounded in our religious tradition, in Islamic tradition, you kind of raise awareness, and everything that we've done in A Way Beyond the Rainbow was actually to do that, to separate between desires and actions, to understand where this is coming from, and how to work through these issues to get to a better place. And I think that once you raise awareness and you have these conversations, you start to shed light on a lot of the things that people are ashamed of. And it's not about hate, it's about lack of knowledge. And this does not just apply to, I mean, Muslim culture, Arab culture, it applies to people across the world. So it's not just limited to one particular culture. And this does not mean in any way, shape, or form that, you know, as you said, you know, like whether it's Gaza, whether it's Palestine, whether it's the Middle East, whether it's any Muslim or Arab country or what have you, that it's “homophobic”. The definition of homophobia now is like a waste basket term for anything and everything that kind of opposes the full fledged acceptance of the gay lifestyle, which I mean, I'm sorry, but this makes no sense.

Yara: 01:27:07

Absolutely.

Waheed: 01:27:09

So I think like based on what you also told us earlier, that you're working now to help others and you want to raise awareness, you want to be a source of comfort and support for other people in your life. So how are you able to do that nowadays? Can you give us some practical examples or some things that you have experienced so far? 

Yara: 01:27:32

So I know that most of the listeners do experience SSA, and I know how difficult it is to talk about the topic and to, you know, be able to kind of give your opinion without outing yourself, basically. But I will say that, you know, at least for people that you really care about, at least for people that, you know, you want them to have an opinion of you that, you know, you don't feel like they see you any less than if someday they find out. And I really want people to consider the overall good that it's gonna do the more that they talk about it and the more that they show our perspectives. 

And so as I said, it was it was very scary for me. I talked to my parents about it, I talked to a couple of friends about it, and one of my friends who I actually hadn't come out to at that point, I talked to them about it and they said that they really agreed with me and that, you know, it really resonated with them and so on. And I actually directed them to the podcast. And a few weeks later, he came to me, and he actually told me that he indeed did have SSA, and it was a very special moment. I, you know, told him about me as well, and it was a very special moment because I felt like, you know, it was scary talking to people about it. It was scary being able to, again, because sometimes also the closet is made out of glass, and I've had people that I literally have not spoken to, like people that I interacted with for seconds later say behind my back that “Oh she's probably gay!” you know. So it was kind of difficult to talk behind the barrier when the barrier is made of glass. But I think it was worth the risk for me. And, you know, having people, you know, having someone that was, you know, close to me just confide in me, and I saw so much comfort that you know that he hadn't expressed before. And I was really proud of him in the moment. And, you know, it kind of encouraged me to continue talking about it and to continue spreading awareness about it. 

And, you know, hopefully one day I'll be able to, you know, be let's say fully “transparent”, even though at this point I haven't fully decided on, you know, what it's gonna be like in the future. But you know, don't feel pressured to come out to everyone and to you know, because it's still a very, you know, like it's a personal part of you, and it comes with a lot of trauma, it comes with a lot of bad experiences and and you know, negative emotions a lot of the times. So make sure that you, you know, share at your own pace, and don't push yourself to do anything that you don't want to. But when you feel you're ready, it is worth it, not only to come out, but you know, to talk about, you know, our opinions and to talk about our perspectives and to talk about, you know, this beautiful community. And you know, maybe one day someone will, you know, hear it from you, and they will feel comfortable and they will, you know, you will be a reason in changing their life for the better.

Waheed: 01:30:26

Alhamdulillah. Yeah. And by the way, just a caveat, because I know some some listeners, particularly parents or whoever else might be listening and they're like, “Oh, is she encouraging people to come out?” No, we're talking about coming out within, you know, your trusted circle of friends. You know, you're not being proud and boasting about your attractions, and again, we're just talking about the attractions, we're not talking about actions, and yes we're in line with the Quran and the Sunnah, and yes we know all of these things. So this is just kind of like a blanket statement.

Yara: 01:30:57

You should sort of record a disclaimer and then keep playing it over and over again so we don't get taken out of context!

Waheed: 01:31:02

Exactly. So this is a disclaimer for everyone hearing us: No this is not about you being out and proud and about and doing all sorts, no it's basically just coming out to a very close circle of friends that you trust and who have earned the right and the privilege to hear your story, with whom you can be vulnerable and they're trustworthy and they can help you in the process. That's what Yara is talking about, correct? 

Yara: 01:31:25

Absolutely. 

Waheed: 01:31:38

So the last theme you have prepared for us today includes some messages that you would like to share with the listeners today. So what would you like to tell us?

Yara: 01:31:50

So the first thing that I want to say is SSA does not define you. As I mentioned before, you know, your urges and your preferences and your attractions do not make you the person that you are. What makes you the person that you are is your standards and your beliefs and and what feels true to you. I don't want anybody to kind of internalize in their heads that you know it's cowardly to not act on your attractions, and internalize that you're not being your authentic self, because your authentic self cannot be defined by the attractions that you have. So do not listen to anybody that says that it's backward thinking, because their thinking is backward. If they expect your whole life to be defined by your attractions and every single whim and urge that you have, then their perspective is the one that needs to be revised.

Waheed: 01:32:43

Preach, sister! Yes, say it louder for people to hear it!

Yara: 01:32:49

So yeah, like I felt a lot of insecurity about this, specifically when I was in the West, because you know it's such a big part of like, okay you know what like if you were 20 and you're not out yet and you're not like just practicing it, what's wrong with you? You know like and it became such a big part of culture and media, and you know even music. Like there's a song called Good Luck Babe by Chappel Roan, and I'm not sure if you know it or not, but that song haunted me. It's about a girl that is you know hung over another girl, and it's talking about how that girl is being a coward, and she's not listening to her true feelings, and she's gonna regret it all over and whatever and so on.

Waheed: 01:33:32

And you know this is part of the programming that we're exposed to on a constant basis. And eventually it does play with your emotions, with your thoughts and it affects you, you know, on multiple levels.

Yara: 01:33:43

Absolutely, yeah, and so in the West, as I was saying, it was very like, I felt very targeted, and I felt like you know, I needed to sort of you know question myself “Oh what if I'm not doing the right thing? What if I do need to be more ‘brave’?”. And so please do not question yourself. You are not doing anything wrong by listening to your standards and the things that fundamentally define you instead of every single whim and urge that you have. 

Also something else is that you know I want everybody in the community and everybody listening to this to realize that you are heard and you are seen and understood, and every struggle is a part of Allah’s plan for you. And you know, we read Surah Al-Kahf every Friday, and I want you to to really kind of with intention see how beautiful the stories in it are. God has so many beautiful things in store for you. And you know a lot of the times we get caught up in you know how our life is going currently, and what exactly we want in the future, and so on, and we forget that God has a plan that is so beautiful that we couldn't have even written it for ourselves. 

And you know there are so many negative things that come with SSA unfortunately, but also there are some beautiful parts that come with it including the community, and also people with SSA, as Waheed mentioned in a couple of episodes, we're more empathetic, we're more emotionally intelligent, and resilient and strategic and we're good at problem solving, and also, no one can call you basic. No one can ever call you basic. 

Waheed 01:35:21

Amen, amen! Yes, yes, exactly. 

Yara 01:35:24

You have so much beauty, and the Noor that God infused into so many parts of your life, you are literally so cool. Don't forget that!

Waheed 01:35:33

Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, can can we get this in writing please, because I feel like we need to like publish this all over, and have people like kind of put it on their cork boards and hang it on the walls, because we need to remember that subhan Allah.

Yara 01:35:45

This is actually very like, the way that like my view on this shifted, when I learned about you know the genesis of SSA, subhan Allah, it's just like there are so many ways that it affected us negatively, and we always focus on that, but we also tend to forget how there are so many positive things that come out of it at the end of the day. And you know just looking at how it affects us and how it makes us you know so much better in so many different parts of our lives, and you will always have a little spice, you'll always have a little story you know you're gonna be different. So take pride in that, yeah. 

And so yeah, I think that's you know mostly everything, and just my final thing that I want to say is “Inna Ma’ Al Usri Yusra” “Surely with hardship comes ease” or more ease. Please remember that God is always with you. In the moment, it might hurt, but the bigger plan is so beautiful and it's so full of Noor and it's so full of light. And you know, try your best to put that trust in God, and to know that He is writing something for you that you are never going to be able to imagine, something so beautiful and something so full of love, and every single hardship that you endured is going to be worth it someday. 

Waheed: 01:37:01

Alhamdulillah, beautiful messages, jazaki Allah khair!

If I were to ask you, after everything that you've shared with us, mashaAllah it's beautiful pieces of wisdom, beautiful lessons, beautiful gems throughout, mashaAllah, where are you right now - in terms of your own emotional, psychological, spiritual growth - what can you share with us, and where do you hope to be in the future?

Yara: 01:37:26

Of course, you know being still in my early 20s, I know that there are so many struggles and so many things that are coming in the future, and I think mostly what I'm focusing on right now, is you know kind of building a foundation to be able to go through all of these stages in my life. And of course I'm still learning, and I have a long road ahead of me. I've decided alhamdulillah that as soon as I'm you know done with my current degree, I'm gonna get a two-year diploma in Islamic studies, because you know I talked so much about how you know the narrative that we have is not the best, and how a lot of the times Islam is misrepresented especially for women and people with SSA. And I want to be able to at some point, even if it's just in conversations, and even if it's just you know, but I want to be able to speak from knowledge. You know I really hope that that can be something that also helps me get closer to God. As well as like just you know working on therapy and my self-esteem, which is still something that I unfortunately struggle with, you know shame and guilt as well, and I'm getting better at dealing with my anxiety and my depression alhamdulillah, I'm working on giving back to my community, and speaking up for Palestine, most importantly, and you know just being able to put my tawakkul and my trust in God. 

Waheed: 01:38:46

MashaAllah. By the way, when you mentioned like 23, I needed to remind myself that you're still 23, mashaAllah, again because like I mean, I'm sure at this point, like a lot of the listeners would agree with me, mashaAllah you are way more mature, way beyond your age mashaAllah, may Allah bless you and increase you. When I remember like when I was 23 in my early 20s I was a big mess, I would not even imagine! But mashaAllah, so this is wonderful. May Allah pave the best ways for you and increase you from His bounties and blessings. This is so heartwarming to see and to hear mashaAllah.

Yara: 01:39:20

Thank you so much, it's so special coming from you as well, like I really you know having learned so much from you as well, like I'm so happy that I get this opportunity, and you know, in my own way, by the way, I'm still a mess in so many things. But you know, we work on it, and we strive, and you know, everybody is on their journey, and, alhamdulillah, and inshaAllah, God helps all of us get to be on the right path, inshaAllah. 

Waheed: 01:39:51

Ameen, ameen, jazaki Allah khair, alhamdulillah. So, you know, you told us you are from Gaza, you're born and raised there, you've witnessed some of the wars that took place in the past two decades. And we talked a little bit about Gaza and your experiences here and there. So just to clarify, you weren't in Gaza physically when October 7th and the aftermath and the genocide kind of started happening, correct?

Yara: 01:40:16

No, subhan Allah, I had actually left just a few weeks before that war started, so, alhamdulillah, I'm safe as of right now, and also, alhamdulillah, my family was able to leave within the war.

Waheed: 01:40:29

But I'm sure like you have a lot of extended family and a lot of friends who were still there and are still there, subhan Allah.

Yara 01:40:33

Absolutely, yeah.

Waheed 01:40:37

May Allah bring an end to all of this madness, inshaAllah, very soon. What can you tell us more about Gaza, let's focus on the good memories or the good experiences that you've had growing up there, what can you share with us?

Yara: 01:40:50

Gaza is special, and of course I'm biased, it's home, it's warmth, it's love. You know, to me, even though there was so much trauma that I witnessed there, and there is you know, you can't really go through that much trauma without having you know developed some kind of negative correlations with that place, but I somehow still every single day long to it. You know there's just so much beauty in everywhere and everyone. You know Palestinians, and Gazans in specific, are very resilient people. You know, we take care of each other, our communities are very tightly knit. Literally everybody knows everybody. I mean I've gone all over the world, and if I meet somebody from Gaza I'm like “Oh you know what's your surname?” and I'm like “Oh okay, you were neighbors with my cousin's friend!” you know we're a very tight knit community. 

And you know there is so much love and so much resilience and appreciation for each other, a sense of neighborly-hood and you know just the beauty of Gaza, the beauty of the trees, of the sea, you know, of the long roads. There was you know some sort of tragic beauty as well in seeing all of the buildings that were destroyed, and also you know so much strength that I saw when, you know, there would be a war, and a building would be destroyed, and then a couple months later, it's rebuilt and it's even better, subhan Allah. I feel like God really put something special there. I feel like the people are just some of the most hardworking, most loving, most resilient people. And I keep repeating this, because there are really no other ways to describe them you know, like mashaAllah, it is, you know, Gaza is who I am, and it will always be the first thing that I define myself with. And it will always be my life mission to get the picture out there, because right now, when we imagine Gaza, we imagine destruction and we imagine you know blood and we imagine so much pain. And as much as you know it's important to represent that and to show the world the genocide that is happening, I also think it's important to show that you know, as Gazans, we're more than that. We're well educated, we are you know overall just very cultured, we're you know, a lot of us have actually, like, a lot of the community that I know has, you know, lived and worked outside of Gaza, but subhan Allah all of them end up coming back. All of them end up you know deciding that we want to contribute something to our society, because there is so much love there, and there's so much, you know, there's something that just ties us back no matter how many opportunities. 

And I've had so many friends and and relatives tell stories about how they had the best opportunities outside, but they just have a longing there is a longing, and there is a sense of of responsibility that we all have, that I have, that I know that, as soon as I get to go back, as soon as I can go back and rebuild and help make Gaza like it was before, and even better than it was before, I'm going to go back. And I think it's so beautiful, and it just you know how there could be so much trauma and so much pain, yet we still somehow correlate it with beauty and resilience and you know all of these you know beautiful thoughts, alhamdulillah. 

And so you know, I urge you, if you don't know much about it, to learn about Gaza, to learn about how it was before, to look into some of the amazing people that are from Gaza, and you know the work that we do, just the beautiful architecture and the artifacts in Gaza, and you know, I really can't stress this enough, but talk about the genocide, talk about what's happening, and yeah inshaAllah, we're all praying that one day this is going to be over and that we get to all go back and, you know, rebuild it and be a part of that change.

Waheed: 01:44:54

Ameen, Ameen. And on this note, Free Gaza, Free Palestine, inshaAllah. We will add some resources in the episode description, in the show notes, so please make sure to check them out.

01:45:16

Towards the end of every episode, as you know, I get to ask my guests about some of the things that they wish they could tell someone who is dear to them in their lives, that they haven't had the chance to tell them. So based on your story, what is something you wish you could tell both of your parents if you had the chance, that you so far have not had the chance to tell them?

Yara: 01:45:39

I want to tell them that I love them no matter what, and I always wished that they would be more open-minded and allow me to have my own opinions and thoughts and beliefs, but I know that they believed that they were protecting me, and you know, alhamdulillah, at the end of the day, I found my way to be authentic and true and happy, or at least like I'm on the road. And even though we may disagree on so much, that doesn't mean that my love and appreciation for them is any less. And I don't know if I'm gonna be able to share this part of me with them someday, but if I do, I really hope that they will be understanding, and I hope that they, you know, can show that unconditional love from their side the same way that I feel for them. I pray to God every single day that He takes care of them the same way they took care of me, with so much love and kindness and grace. And I know that their intentions were always so pure, and I hope that I can one day make them proud.

Waheed: 01:46:40

MashaAllah, and I'm sure they are very, very proud of you. I mean, I think we can all agree on this. They have every reason to be proud of you, mashaAllah. What is something you wish you could tell your younger self, if you were to go back in time and to meet that younger Yara, what what would you tell her?

Yara: 01:46:60

This isn't just to my younger self, but to me right now as well, you know because I still sometimes get scared and feel fragile and need to hear these words, sometimes I kind of just cocoon back into a child, and I also want to send these words to any younger audience, specifically, who are still having a hard time you know finding themselves. You will be okay. I know that it feels so hard, and you're confused, and you're scared, and you may feel lonely in your world of thoughts, but know that that's part of being human, and you are okay, you don't need to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. You deserve to love and live and have fun and enjoy life, just like anybody else, you are not a burden to the people around you, and whoever loves you for authentic you is who deserves your love and appreciation.

You are not less than, and you are more than enough, and I will continue to fight for all that I stand for, to do my best to stop other kids from feeling the same fear, guilt, shame, and trauma that you felt. I'm sorry that this world is such a horrible place, but you deserve nothing less than the best.

Waheed:  01:48:06

Wow! I wish someone told me that as a child subhan Allah when I was growing up, or all of us for that matter, mashaAllah! Yes, it's very moving and very straight to the point, very poignant, mashaAllah, beautifully said.

Last but not least, what is something you wish you could tell Gaza as the piece of land, Gaza as in the people there, the beautiful men, women, and children who are going through one of the toughest trials, if not the toughest trial, and you know the atrocities that are happening there, what would you like to tell Gaza?

Yara: 01:48:48

Even though as I said I've lived through most of the wars in Gaza, and you know I still do feel like an outsider saying this, because, again, no matter how long I lived in Gaza, no matter what I witnessed, I never truly saw and I will never truly know the depth of the trauma and the fear and the heartbreak that you feel, if you've lived through this last war. But to my brothers and sisters in Gaza, I want you to know that you are not forgotten. We can't forget you, and we are all praying for you, and the world is waking up, alhamdulillah, we can see it with our own eyes. There's a massive shift in global opinion, so many people from every corner of the world are fighting with everything that they have to preserve our land and to stop this genocide. 

When I close my eyes, I remember Gaza as more than the headlines and the destruction, and you know as I said more than the blood and the pain and the chaos. I remember the sea that is stretching endlessly, and the olive trees standing tall, and the smell of rain mixing in with the soil and the greenery, as a true masterpiece. I remember the warmth that spread from every house and every street and every smile. I remember the resiliency, the way that people loved life, the way that faith and spirituality were so graciously mixed into every day. I remember the doctors and the teachers and the engineers, the journalists, the students, everybody that worked for God first and Palestine second. Gaza to us is not a part of us, it is us. Allah sees you, He sees every fear, every sacrifice, every sleepless night, and He promises you that you will be rewarded for your patience and your strength. 

Palestine will be liberated, it will be free, and one day, inshaAllah, we will drive freely from the shores of Gaza to Al-Masjid al-Aqsa, and you know from there to the streets of Yafah and Haifa and all of the occupied land without an intruder to stop us or to question us. And if we don't witness it, then our grandchildren or our children will, because Allah's promise is true. 

I miss you Gaza. I'm Palestine first and everything else second. To those living under the genocide today, know that Allah chose you for a test as heavy as the mountains, and that means that you are special to Him, and when the time is right, His mercy will unfold in ways that we cannot even imagine. And so, we hold on to this truth, we will be free, and we will be Palestinians, not just by name but by presence in our Homeland, in our Palestine. We will walk its streets with our heads held high, our flags soaring for the whole world to see who we are and what we are made of. We will say the names of the martyrs who watered the soil with their blood so that it may bloom again, and so that we may inherit the peace of heaven on earth that is Palestine, the heart of the world, the first of the two Qiblahs, the third of the holy sanctuaries and the land of the Prophet’s Israa’ to the skies. 

I ask you to read Al-Fatiha to the martyrs who we lost in this genocide and everyone before it. O Allah have mercy on our martyrs and liberate Palestine, ameen.

Waheed: 01:51:49

Ameen ya Rabb, ameen. Oh, subhan Allah, what a way to end this interview! Ameen to all your duaas, ameen, ameen. Jazaki Allah khairan. I don't know what to say honestly except may Allah bless you, may Allah shower your beautiful heart with lots of love and lots of guidance and lots of support, and may He always protect you, mashaAllah, you are a beautiful sister. You know I'm very proud to call you like my younger sister as of now, very very proud of you, mashaAllah. Keep moving forward in the best of ways. May Allah pave the best way for you moving forward, you are surrounded by so much love and so much beauty. You are very, very smart and well accomplished for such a young individual, I just need to keep saying this, but I'm so, so proud mashaAllah. And I don't know what to say anymore. We are all very proud of you, and I can speak on behalf of everyone listening when I say that, mashaAllah, you have a heart of gold, and you are one in a billion, so keep moving forward, keep lighting the path for other people, and I'm sure you are going to move mountains, inshaAllah. We cannot wait to witness all of this with you, bi‘ithnillah.

Yara: 01:52:58

The pleasure is all mine, thank you so much. Honestly, I don't know if I said this enough, but Waheed, you are a gem. Like, the podcast changed my life, and like honestly, the world owes you so much for the podcast. It was a beautiful work of art, and everything that you put into it, we are all so appreciative of you, and I genuinely wouldn't be the person that I am today if I didn't have the podcast as something to guide me, and I wouldn't have been as you know mature as I am, alhamdulillah, if I hadn't had access to such beautiful words and to such beautiful interpretations of our religion. So thank you so much for everything, and thank you for hosting me.

Waheed: 01:53:40

Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah, the honor is mine, and it's all because of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. As I always say, Allah has been the one doing the work, of course, He is first and foremost doing everything. We were only a means to that end. So may Allah accept from all of us, and may Allah bring a lot of healing, a lot of growth, a lot of support to everyone who needs it, inshaAllah. So we are honored to be on this journey together, inshaAllah. 

So, alhamdulillah. Jazaki allah khairan for joining me, this has been a wonderful episode, one of my favorites so far. I'm very grateful and very honored to have been there to witness your story with you. So jazaki Allah khair for sharing all of these wonderful gems with us today.

Yara: 01:54:18

Thank you so much and thanks to the audience for listening. 

Waheed: 01:54:22

And with that we come to the end of today's episode. I hope you have enjoyed it and found value in the content. I would like to kindly ask you to hit the subscribe button, if you have not done so already, to make sure that you don't miss any episodes. And if you have enjoyed the podcast so far, please make sure to give us a good rating, as that helps make the podcast more visible for people. And if you or anyone you know would like to be a guest on the podcast, roll over the link in the episode show notes and fill out the form. And if you have any questions or comments or suggestions, feel free to email me anytime on voicesfrombeyondtherainbow@proton.me. Talk to you in the next episode, inshaAllah. This has been Waheed Jensen in “Voices from Beyond the Rainbow”, assalamu alaikom wa rahmatullahi wabarakatuh.