Voice #5 - Mustafa: "From Revisionism to Redemption: How I Found My Way Home"

When Mustafa first realized his same-sex attractions weren't going away, he spiraled into self-hatred, shame, and thoughts of suicide. Desperate for relief, he embraced revisionist interpretations of Islam that seemed to permit same-sex relationships. This led to marriage with another man—a decision that initially brought him the love and acceptance he'd been craving.

Yet beneath the surface happiness lurked an inexplicable emptiness. Despite having what appeared to be everything he wanted, something felt profoundly wrong. "I hid the relationship from everyone," Mustafa reveals. "I was living two lives—a world where I was the Muslim son and one where I was the gay Muslim man married to another guy." The theological contradictions he'd noticed in revisionist arguments grew more apparent, and the marriage eventually ended, leaving him spiritually and emotionally adrift.

The turning point came when Mustafa connected with a supportive brother online who encouraged him to pray just two rakats whenever he felt empty. This small act gradually rebuilt his connection with Allah, transforming his understanding of God from a distant, judgmental figure to a loving, present One who "lets me retake the test every day." Through a 12-step program, healthy platonic relationships with other men, and daily spiritual practices, Mustafa discovered how reconnecting with Allah in a deeply personal way can heal the deepest wounds and provide a sense of belonging that no human relationship can match, and how divine love can transform even our darkest moments into opportunities for growth and purpose.

Extra references:
- A Way Beyond the Rainbow episodes on Islamic revisionism (Part I and Part II) with Mobeen Vaid
- Article by Mobeen Vaid "Can Islam Accommodate Homosexual Acts? Qur'anic Revisionism and the Case of Scott Kugle" on Muslim Matters
- Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) official website
- A Way Beyond the Rainbow episode on 12-step programs and sexual recovery programs.

Chapters

• 5:24 Early beginnings and struggles
• 13:49 Finding revisionism as an escape
• 21:29 Falling in love and getting married
• 36:13 The emptiness that wouldn't go away
• 52:03 Breaking down after divorce
• 1:05:43 Meeting Angel Brother and finding hope
• 1:18:05 Rebuilding a connection with Allah
• 1:32:55 Breaking free from shame and self-hatred
• 1:51:31 Building healthy male connections
• 1:59:48 What would you tell them if you had the chance?
• 2:06:37 Ending remarks

Transcript

Waheed: 4:25

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh, and welcome to a new episode of Voices from Beyond the Rainbow. I'm your host, Waheed Jensen. Thank you for joining me in today's episode. My guest today is Brother Mustafa who is joining us all the way from Canada to share with us his story. We talk about pain and confusion and shame, about adopting a revisionist perspective and getting married to another man, the euphoria of that experience, but the persistent feeling of emptiness that that entailed. We talk about finding Divine love, light, and healing in the most unexpected of ways. Brace yourselves for a beautiful emotional and spiritual ride for the next two hours. Let's go. Bismillah.

Assalamu alaikum, brother Mustafa.

Mustafa: 5:26

Wa alaykum as-salam Waheed, how are you doing?

Waheed: 5:28

I am good, I'm very well, alhamdulillah, how about you?

Mustafa: 5:31

Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, all is well on my end.

Waheed: 5:34

Alhamdulillah. Very happy to hear that. So we have so many things to cover today. Your story is quite exceptional, and I cannot wait for people to listen to all of the wonderful gems that you have to share with us today. So, without further ado, I'm going to give you the floor. The floor is yours, and bismillah!

Mustafa: 6:01

Bismillah Ar-Rahman Ar-Rahim, “Rabbi ishrah’ li sadri, wa yassir li amri, wah’lul uqdatan min lisani yafqahu qawli” (My Lord, expand for me my chest, make my task easy for me, and untie the knot from my tongue so that they may understand my speech). So background on my upbringing. Growing up I felt different from other boys. I couldn't pinpoint what it was, but something about me felt off, and off not in a bad way, just something was different. And as I grew older, I began to recognize that there was an attraction to other men as well.

And while I was having that, during my teenage years, I was living in a delusion that my SSA was just a phase. That delusion lasted all the way up until I turned 20. It was a long period of assuming that over time, my SSA would go away. Over time I would be “cured”, and that I could marry a woman and live the life that I was meant to live. And ultimately, at some point, I did come to the conclusion that, no, the SSA is here to stay. And that brought about a lot of negative emotions. It brought about self-hatred, disgust. You know, “You're a piece of crap, you're disgusting, I hate you.” There was a lot of shame, a lot of anger. I tried therapy. Therapy wasn't enough. I tried antidepressants, because I was so depressed and suicidal towards the end of it. I wasn't feeling better at all. The only thing that was being told to me from the therapist's lens was to affirm or accept, and it was phrased to me that this is what would help me in my journey towards getting better, and..

Waheed: 8:05

If you can just kind of help us understand that phase in your life a little bit better. So when did you start to notice your SSA growing up? Around what age?

Mustafa: 8:17

I think I would say I started noticing it around the age of seven or eight. It was a crush on a kid, and, looking back at it, I recognize it was a crush, but back then it was this intense infatuation. This need to be around the individual at all times, being almost protective of the individual or towards the individual. And it's more retrospectively looking at it and recognizing that that was more of a crush, that was more of an infatuation, rather than a need to be this person's friend. At least that's what I have come to the conclusion of in that sense.

Waheed: 9:05

So you said you were seeing a therapist, you were taking antidepressants. So what phase was that? How old were you? When did that take place?

Mustafa: 9:13

So that was when I hadturned 20, when all the realization hit to me that, “Oh, this was not a phase.” I guess I should also elaborate that I came to that realization, because I had another infatuation with another individual in my 20s and this time I was more aware of the attractions. There were some elements of lust attached to it, which made it very apparent that this is not a phase - to me at least - this is here to stay. And when that realization came to fruition, I plummeted into this cycle of shame, anger, and I couldn't look at myself in the mirror. I would often say some really mean things to myself. I used to cope a lot with certain addictive means, and that definitely did not help. It only made things a lot worse.

Waheed: 10:24

Right. And one question that also comes to mind because you've lived in a Western country, so one thing that comes to mind is why that shame and that kind of self-flagellation and that anxiety and all of that, when you know you could have easily been like, “You know what, this is who I am, I can embrace myself.” Were you in part of a religious household or what was your kind of conviction or value system at the time?

Mustafa: 10:54

I think, even though I live in a Western country, I think that never changed the fact that I am a Muslim. I know my aqidah. I know what Islamically is considered right or wrong, and that was something that I think when I was 20, the desire was seen as sinful as well. It was how dare you feel an attraction towards men as well?

There was a lot of shame due to that reason, there was a lot of disgust due to that reason. You're not supposed to have these attractions, and the fact that you're having it is sinful. So, no matter the fact that I was in a Western country, it didn't remove me from what I would deem my Islamic values. And now I look back at it, and I think it was a wrong understanding of my Islamic values.

Waheed: 12:06

Okay, yeah, that makes a lot of sense. So when you said that it kind of got more difficult and you went to see a therapist and you were on antidepressants and there was a lot of anxiety and a lot of shame, so I'm assuming you hadn't told anyone about your SSA or did you kind of confide in anyone within your family or household?

Mustafa: 12:29

No, I had not confided in anybody, it was just my therapist. I had even phrased it in a very weird way. I had said “You know, I have.. I think I have homosexual desires”, because I didn't want to even admit the fact that maybeI was gay. That was definitely a concept that I couldn't get myself to admit. And, yeah, I think the therapist asked me what it would take for me to affirm, and when he said that, my only thought went towards the more LGBT-affirming paradigm. “Accept, come out, live your best gay life”. I couldn't fathom a lifestyle that was true to my Islamic values. Again, like I said, the desire was seen as sinful in and of itself. yeah.

Waheed: 13:39

Right, understood. So you wanted to jump into marriage during the first part of the episode and tell us how you ended up choosing the path of marriage and how that unfolded. So can you tell us more about that?

Mustafa: 13:53

Of course. So with all of that happening on the side, I was also starting to really delve deeper into the Islamic aspect of things. And you know, when you search on things online, in terms of addiction or in terms of having same-sex attractions, the most I could find was either “gay Muslims” or I could find forums saying you know, brother, it is encouraged for you to get married. Just marry a woman, it'll fix itself. I knew for a fact that I didn't want to do that. My understanding, or my belief, was that, and it still is, that I would never want to lie to a woman about my attractions, and so that was off the table for me. 

And then I discovered the concept of revisionism, the idea that certain aspects of the Quran or Islam itself have been misinterpreted, and that maybe there is a better explanation for things, including the story of Lut, and the people of Lut, actually. Even as I was going through that concept, there were too many loopholes to make sense of it and I could see the cracks in the argument right as I was going through it. But I needed to believe that something had to be okay, because I couldn't have these desires and I couldn't just exist as a.. as I mentioned back then, as a gay individual. I couldn't just be sinful, I couldn't be cursed, because, you know, Allah made me this way, and I've asked him plenty of times. I prayed and I prayed and I prayed “Take this away from me”, so why is He not taking this away from me? There must be a reason for this. 

I would also find false beliefs, surrounding some islamic concepts regarding same-sex attractions. There's a few hadiths that I found, which later I realized they were not even sahih (authentic), that comment on the Prophet cursing those who perform actions like the people of Lot, or he commands them to kill the one who does it and the one to whom it is done. And the only explanation for that was that, if revisionism argues that it's not about same-sex attractions, it's about, you know, raping your guests or assaulting them, that would make a lot of sense. Otherwise Islam would just be a barbaric faith, which I never saw Islam to be. So revisionism had to be the true side.

There was a desperation involved, I will admit to that. I couldn't see a light anywhere. I was in a dark room, and everywhere I looked, it was just.. It was hopeless. The only solution I thought was to.. I couldn't even affirm, I didn't want to affirm. The only solution was to find a way to understand Islam in a better way, at least what I thought was a better way. And you know, I lived in that pain for the next year or so until when I turned 21, I found somebody who gave me love and compassion. And being unable to give any of it to myself, I clung on to it.

Waheed: 17:59

Before we get into that, I just wanted to interject and just add acomment ..

I think this you know what you went through at the time before you met this person that you're going to tell us more about.  I think that resonates with so many people and, you know, for someone who cared so much about his deen and didn't want to leave his value system, you know his conviction, his relationship with Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, but he was dealing with a lot of mental anguish and turmoil and shame, the revisionist path provided that kind of leeway, which was very understandable, that, “Okay, at least this is a breather for me. I'm not going to leave the deen altogether, but at least this at the time made some sense for me. That gave me some sense of mental stability, so to speak, because otherwise, I was either going to leave the deen altogether, which is not an option for me, or, you know, continue to suffer and suffer until God knows what's going to happen.”

So that is kind of a logical conclusion to so many people who don't want to leave the deen altogether but are struggling in silence and don't know how to move forward in their lives. And you know, I've heard this from so many people, and now you are also sharing this with us, and I think this also sheds the light on the idea that our voices and the work that we're doing needs to become, inshaAllah, more mainstream, that people need to have access to all of the resources that we have, to know that, you know what, there is a different path altogether. You know, and subhanAllah, I mean, you had to go through what you went through, but this is something just to put out there, but yeah. 

Mustafa: 19:44

No, thank you for articulately summarizing everything that I was trying to say. I think just the mere feeling that maybe I wasn't cursed, maybe I wasn't just a sinner by existing, it was so relieving, even though the shame, the disgust was still there and the self-hatred was still there. At least there was an ease for a bit. Maybe that story isn't about homosexuality. And, yeah, I lived in that period of self-hatred and disgust for that year, and it had brought me all the way down to rock bottom, or what I thought was rock bottom back then. And I found somebody, as I mentioned, who gave me love and compassion and I clung to it, because I wasn't able to give myself or offer myself that. 

I can truly say I fell in love with him, and I know for a fact he loved me back as well. He saw what I was struggling to see in myself, that I was somebody worthy of love and being loved, that I had a soul that was pure, and all I wanted was to share that with those around me. He was able to share the weight of the pain and the sheer self-hatred that I carried over those years, and honestly, he even helped me navigate those thoughts and allowed me to heal in some ways. He helped me understand that it wasn't wrong for me to feel attractions towards men, and that it was okay to be desired by men or to desire a man. Love was love, after all, you know. And it didn't make me any less of a man if I wanted to be with a man, to marry a man, to grow old with one, etc. And I recognize that obviously now I look back, and I don't live a life that has these values, but I think it was important for me, as my therapist back then had said, to affirm. And I'll get back to the idea of affirmation and acceptance later on, but it was important for me to affirm and accept in that way in that moment. Especially with somebody around who was safe, who was caring, who was loving. 

And yeah, I think folks might ask why marriage then? Why not just pursue a relationship? I think for me it was important to have a marriage for two reasons. One was I didn't want to let the person go. I think there was a fear of abandonment. This was the only saving grace I had, and if I lose this then I lose any chance. The other was, and this again might sound contradictory to some, but I just wanted to try to adhere to a lifestyle that was true to Islam, and I wanted to get married as a result of that. So that's why I decided to take that step.

Waheed: 23:27

Can you give us more context with regards to this? So how old were you when you met this man and how old were you when you got married? Like, how long did the relationship last before you kind of took it to the next level of getting married to him?

Mustafa: 23:40

So I was 21. And the relationship went for about five or six months and then we decided to get married.

Waheed: 23:51

Okay, so very quickly.

Mustafa: 23:54

Yes, it wasn't a long period, it was a quick period. And even when I suggested it initially, there was a lot of back and forth. He wasn't really open to theidea. But I was like, this is not ending. I don't see it ending. I see this being “till death do us part.”

Waheed: 24:24

I see..

Mustafa: 24:25

So I was like I’m in it for the long run, I don't know about you, but I'm in it for the long run and he was as well.

Waheed: 24:30

Okay, and how old was he? Was there an age difference, or?

Mustafa: 24:33

Yeah there was, he was 24 at that time.

Waheed: 24:33

Okay, so not much of an age difference, but a bit older than you. Okay.

Mustafa: 24:39

Yes, a bit older than me, and he was an openly out and about gay man. He didn't have any issues, or if he did, it wasn't debilitating for him, in regards to sexuality. He had other aspects of his life that he was struggling with, but they were not related to sexuality.

Waheed: 25:04

So he had basically experience before with regards to all of this, he was out and about, but for you it was your first official relationship with another man.

Mustafa: 25:12

Yes, it was. Yeah, you know. I decided to legally marry this individual and, wanting to believe that this marriage would be halal, and that all would be okay, I think my heart did know that something about this was wrong. I hid the relationship from everyone, I was living two lives: A world where I was the Muslim son, and one where I was the gay Muslim man married to another guy. My family had blind trust in me, so it was very painful to lie to their faces about what was happening in my life. They had seen a change in me. I had gone from this very quiet, reserved individual that every time I would be around them, they would be like “Is everything okay?” To somebody who looked like he was full of life.

And I think, looking back at it, there's something I found out recently. It's David Richo's Five A's and One B of mindful loving. And these are needs that people usually need, which is the need to be appreciated, accepted, affirmed, allowed, attended, and belonging, or a sense of belonging. And I felt like I was getting all six of those, and I was just.. I was elated, I was happy, the pain was finally gone. I had finally learned to accept myself. I could finally see myself growing older. I had told myself that if I reached the age of 25, I would end it all. And I could finally see myself growing past that age, and I couldn't believe it! I finally regained the drive and motivation to do things from a career or personal lens. That was all I needed, I just needed love and acceptance and affirmation.

Waheed: 27:35

So his presence in your life kind of filled a huge void and gave you contentment and a sense of purpose and you felt, you know, fulfilled and you were able to kind of even carry yourself in a way that you weren't able to do that before.

Mustafa: 27:52

Precisely. Yeah, it was a new Mustafa if you will. One that was comfortable or getting comfortable in his own skin.

Waheed: 27:59

Yeah, obviously we assume that you weren't, I mean, it's logical that you weren't living with your parents at the time, so you were living alone. But were you, like, in the same state as your parents? How close were you with regards to like meeting up? I mean, you maintained the connection with them, but it's quite hard to hide a husband or a significant other from your family. So how were you able to manage that?

Mustafa: 28:27

I think the way I managed it was that he was my roommate, and it was again blind trust, and I think my parents wouldn't even question anything. I mean, this is not something that is common in a culturally Muslim household. Nobody even has the concept of a same-sex relationship. So this was just a close roommate of mine.

Waheed: 28:58

And you were the goody two-shoes, as a kid..

Mustafa: 29:03

I was the goody two-shoes.. No complaints from my end. Everybody had nice things to say about me.So what's there to Mustafa that is to be suspected.

Waheed: 29:14

Yeah, understandable.

Mustafa: 29:17

At the same time I also knew that, deep down, what I was doing might be wrong, but I did not want to admit it. I kept looking for resources to support my stance. I was just in denial, even though I knew deep down that it was wrong. I was afraid of losing that sense of love and belonging. I wanted to disclose this to my parents, but I wanted to do it in a way where revisionism would make sense. But, I couldn't even make sense of it myself. As I was starting to feel better, the cracks in the argument were becoming more pronounced.

Waheed: 30:09

Can you elaborate on that? Because a lot of the listeners might be erring more on the revisionist side. So what cracks are you talking about? What did not make sense to you, even though you went down that route yourself?

Mustafa: 30:20

I think we can start with marriage. In Islam, even in the Qur’an, there is no concept that discusses a marriage between a man and a man, or a woman and a woman. Even in the story of Lut, even if we were to say that it was about assaulting your guests or assaulting somebody, the argument that, therefore, same-sex relationships or marriages are allowed isn't mentioned in that. If it was the case, then there would be an explicit mentioning of that.

Waheed: 31:08

Correct.

Mustafa: 31:10

So that was something that I started to really question. And I think the most important one that I started to question was that the Islam I was following was one that assumed that, again, some areas of the Quran have been misinterpreted. If I, as a Muslim, believe that Islam is the perfect religion, that Allah is keeping the Qur’an consistent and the same till the end of time, preserved, there will be no changes, there's no misinterpretation. Then to assume said misinterpretation is to claim imperfection. So I'm either following something that is imperfect - which if I believe Islam is perfect, that's not the case - or I'm on the wrong path. And so I was starting to come to that conclusion that, maybe, I was not on the right path, just maybe. And that maybe I was practicing a fake Islam. And again, I was too scared to admit it, because I was in deep. At the same time with all of this going on, I didn't want to let go.

I was perfectly happy with the relationship that I was in, and I was afraid of losing the love and belonging that I had received and I had grown used to. I was using my partner as a crutch emotionally to survive, and if I lost that crutch, I would fall back down. And at the same time, I also started finding further negatives to the relationship. We were a very codependent bunch. I was finding that I was losing friends, and I was also coming to some major realizations as I was going through that. I wasn't being authentic to my friends, I wasn't being authentic to those around me, and I think disclosure would cause me to lose my family as well. You know, coming out was one thing, but to share my marital status would probably result in some form of excommunication, at least for some time. I also realized that I would not be welcome, or it would be very difficult for me to be in Muslim spaces. The closest intersection of that I could find would be queer Muslim spaces. And that was just a reality that I would have to accept.

Waheed: 34:15

Right. And here, just to be clear, it's about disclosing your marriage, not the fact that you have same-sex attractions.

Mustafa: 34:21

Exactly, exactly. Also, the social circles I was finding myself in at the time made me realize that, inevitably, they would remove me from the fold of Islam. You follow the faith of those around you. And I had already reached a point of religious agnosticism.

I was believing in Allah, but I was struggling to hold on to Islamic beliefs and traditions. I was not praying, I was not fasting, I was not doing the important things or the basic tenets of faith. I just believed in Allah. I think, looking back at it, there was also an element of anger towards Allah. There is some unresolved issues, but I did not want to let go of Him, even at that time.

Waheed: 35:22

Alhamdulillah.

Mustafa: 35:25

I think the anger came from the fact that I felt I wasn't heard. Before this.. and again, I was living a very selfish life at that time, and even before then. “Why are You not answering my prayers? Why are You not helping me with my same-sex attractions? And now I'm married to a man, I'm happy, I'm not following what You command me to do and I'm feeling happy, so I'm better than I was when I was seeking Your help.” Not knowing that at that time, Allah was helping me, not realizing or recognizing. So that anger remained. It was a very childish anger that, you know, “You didn't give me what I want, so I'm going to be angry at You.”

Waheed: 36:20

And was that the reason why you also stopped praying and fasting and performing your religious obligations?

Mustafa: 36:30

Partially, I think, like I said, you start following the religion of those around you. And I wasn't around, I wasn't in Muslim circles, and it became more and more difficult for me to pray. And I'll also be very candid, I used to struggle to pray a lot growing up, you know. The average was two to three, and if I prayed five times a day, I was over the moon. I must be a sheikh, you know. It was a big deal if I prayed five times a day, which is the bare minimum.

Waheed: 37:15

Because, I think you explained it very beautifully, that the element of the social interactions kind of plays a role, because some people might be asking “Okay, well, he didn't want to leave islam, so he found the revisionist path. But at the same time, when he got married, you know, he stopped doing the very things that define Islam for him.” So, in other words, why didn't you leave Islam altogether? That might be something that some people might be asking. We're just trying to understand, basically, the dynamics at play. So, was it because you were afraid of severing those ties with something that is dear to you, because maybe family or culture? Or was it because  you didn't want to leave that connection with Allah SWT, and the only connection that you knew had to do with Islam? Or was it something else?

Mustafa: 38:09

I can confidently say that it wasn't family or culture. I think I reached a point where, I mean I married somebody it wasn't about.. If it was about family, I wouldn't have taken those steps. That being said, I don't think I have a good answer to that question. I think I'm not sure what kept me, and the only thing I can say is that Allah wanted me to stay on the right path, whatever that right path meant, even if it just meant adhering to the Shahada, or at least saying Alhamdulillah when something good happens, or Bismillah at the start of everything. Those were things I still said. My relationship to Allah was very distant, but I still needed Him. I could sense that if I lost Him.. and I'll get to that even in a bit, which is that I was happy but I was completely empty. And I couldn't understand for the life of me what that emptiness was. And there were days sometimes where I would just feel so empty and so uneasy that I would just make ghusl (major ablution) and pray out of something. And I would feel so much better and I would ask myself, why don't I do this more? And something would hold me back. And again, I don't have a proper answer to that. But something held me back, but something also held me back from leaving Allah. And maybe it was still a pain, a resentment towards Allah.

Mustafa: 40:13

So, yeah, as I was mentioning, an emptiness had developed as well. It was minimal at first, but at some point it started to become the focal point that I started chasing after. My efforts almost had shifted towards the source of this emptiness, towards finding the source of this emptiness. The messaging I would tell myself is I had reached a place that I wanted. I was happy, I was loved, I was hoping, dreaming. I had my partner.

You know, my ride or die. So why was I empty? What was going on? And, as I mentioned, that emptiness would lead me to pray sometimes. I would make du'a at that time for Allah to help me. I asked Allah for guidance, and I would even say this to Him. you know, “I'm not praying, I'm not doing anything remotely Islamic. But.. I'm here, so help me.” Maybe Allah answered that prayer, because I would say, within six months of that emptiness that I had felt, I was wanting to separate and divorce. 

For context, I had been married to my partner for close to a year and a half. And I also forgot to mention that one of the major realizations I also had was that monogamy was the exception in such relationships, not the norm. My partner's friends had even mentioned that you know us being monogamous and closed by the one-and-a-half year mark was so shocking to them because this was rare, but that just felt wrong to hear for me.

Waheed: 42:21

Absolutely, yeah, it is a shocker, particularly if you're the the kind of person who's very dedicated and faithful and monogamous, and when you kind of go into that scene or you start to see other kinds of relationships, you're like, “Whoa, what is going on here?” So, yeah. So your relationship was 100% monogamous from the both of you, like both sides.

Mustafa: 42:38

yes

Waheed: 42:40

yeah, and he was also fully committed and he was with you on this. Yeah, subhan Allah.

But you also said, you know, I think one of the reasons, and correct me if I'm wrong, like one of the reasons for this kind of sense of emptiness and turmoil that you mentioned was, you know, this kind of this sense of loss and not being able to fully grasp the revisionist arguments, because it didn't make sense and you were able to see the cracks, and part of you spiritually was also struggling. But I think also another part might have to do with the dysfunctional dynamics within the relationship itself. I mean, obviously we're not discounting all the wonderful things that you've experienced in that relationship in terms of the, you know, the five A's and the one B, acceptance, affirmation, etc., which kind of filled a void in you and it's necessary for all of us really to experience that. But also, you know you talked to us about codependency, which, I mean we have spoken a lot about this in the podcast that codependency in and of itself is very, very draining for both parties. And you also told me previously about some other dynamics that were going on. So, do you agree that that also played a role, or it wasn't that pronounced in terms of contributing to the state that you were in?

Mustafa: 43:58

Oh, they definitely played a role. So there was the religious aspect, which I think was a major, if not the deciding factor, but there was also a lot of supporting issues. Codependency was one of them. There was jealousy, a lot of jealousy, maybe from both sides even. Losing my sense of identity, finding myself identifying more as a unit rather than as a person, and I think that speaks to the codependency aspect of it. And, as a result, losing my friends because I wasn't being authentic to them, obviously hiding a big chunk of myself, you know, not hanging out with them as much. And the jealousy itself also added to it. You know, sometimes maybe I didn't see a certain person because I imagined my partner would get jealous, etc. 

I also think a big supporting issue was not having disclosed to my family. Living this secret was difficult for both me and him. He wanted me to disclose to my family, because he was getting tired of us being a secret. He didn't want to be a roommate anymore, he wanted to live life as my partner, and I agreed with him. And that would lead me to this search for resources that supported my stance.

And every time I would look into it, something felt wrong. There was always a crack I found. It always felt cherry-picked rather than a solid argument. I think all of those culminated into a giant “What now? What do I do from here?” And the emptiness, I think, looking back at it also, the emptiness was just – I had filled the void in my heart with a human being, when our hearts, our fitra, is that our heart should be filled with Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala. And, of course, that emptiness came through. 

So all of those things coming, you know, forming into one solid bundle. I must have asked Allah in one of those prayers, because I found myself wanting to separate at some point. And, like I said, there was a lot of ups and downs in the relationship as well, and that must have also helped me with making that decision. But I also wanted to be true to my faith, that maybe I had done something that Islam didn't allow.

Waheed: 47:17

Did his family know about the marriage or has he also kept it a secret from them?

Mustafa: 47:22

They knew. I was well acquainted in the family, I was part of the family. So it was nice to also get to see that side; the side of acceptance, affirmation, allowance, and belonging. It was beautiful to be part of a family who knew you and accepted you, and I keep throwing the word acceptance and affirmation, because I think that was really what I was looking for, and I imagine a lot of folks who are listening can resonate to that as well.

Waheed: 48:02

Absolutely, no doubt about that, subhan Allah. But your family, throughout the marriage, they had no suspicions whatsoever, they had no idea about that? And they only knew that he was your roommate and there was nothing else going on whatsoever, correct?

Mustafa: 48:20

Yes, yes.

Waheed: 48:22

How did your ex-husband or partner at the time, how did he take the news that you wanted to separate? Because you told us earlier that he was a bit reluctant and he didn't want to rush things, he didn't want to get married, but he was convinced because you were kind of pushing that. And then all of a sudden you were like “I'm calling it quits.” So how did he respond to that? 

Mustafa: 48:45

He didn't take it well. I think he was understanding of where I was in my journey, I don't think he still is over it. Some of his own codependency and attachment insecurities came to the surface. Some was probably just unresolved pain from the end of this relationship. A lot of negativity was spewed out. Divorce or separation isn't easy.

I used to carry a lot of guilt over this aspect; that maybe I abandoned him by doing all of this. But I learned to realize that if he cares and loves me, that he would just let me be in whatever form I think is best for me. I think he tried to convince me that what I was doing was wrong; that I was regressing, that I was going down a path that would lead me to coming back to this exact place again. Seeking love and affection from other men. And I mean he was right, but I just.. foreshadowing, I found it in better ways, alhamdulillah.

Waheed: 50:08

Alhamdulillah. Oh man, Subhan Allah. And so what happened in the aftermath of the divorce?

Mustafa: 50:19

I think the aftermath was a period that was very difficult for me, and I would probably say it's my lowest, it's the lowest I've gone so far. I had accepted a weird kind of defeat. You know, I had tried what I thought was going to make me feel better, and instead I was left with a heartbreak, I was left with emptiness, and even a lack of desire to live again. The thought of hitting the age of 25 and ending it all came back. I had lost my relationship, I had lost my faith, I had lost my sense of identity. I was angry, I didn't want my faith, and I didn't even have it either. And I had just lost my other identity, which was the gay Muslim man. So who was I?

I sort of didn't care what I did. I would be alright with not moving out of bed and letting the time pass by. I did a lot of things out of defiance against religion, out of anger and mainly just to feel something. I got careless about my health, safety, future… I felt incapacitated, and I just wanted to lay in bed, grow old, and just rot away till I die.

So, I decided to join the Discord server “Straight Struggle” in hopes of meeting somebody with a common experience of same-sex marriage. But I was also projecting a lot of my insecurities, and I was scared of the judgment that I might receive. You know, “Oh, this person married a person.. Like you know what an idiot he must be, how silly of a thing for him to do that, doesn't he know better?” And I was scared of that judgment. So when a brother reached out to me, I openly shared my situation, but I was also ready to attack at the first notion of some form of judgment. But I was surprised that I just received somebody to talk to, who was showing support and care and he was also vulnerable about his story. And looking back at it, I think Allah sent an angel my way to help me redirect myself to the right path. I think, again, I go back to those duaas I used to make when I would feel the pang of anxiety and unease and emptiness, and I wonder which one of those must have been accepted. SubhanAllah, a lot changed. 

So, I slowly opened up to this brother about more aspects of my life. You know, the divorce, some same-sex encounters and, most importantly, the consistent void in my heart, and I was always met with care and understanding. And he helped me a lot, and I started listening to him.One day I was just feeling really empty again, and I was discussing that with him, and he asked me “Why don't you make ghusl and pray, just two rak’aah (units of prayer)?” And I said “No, absolutely not.” And he asked me why, and I didn't have a reason, I just didn't want to pray. Okay. Another day went by, and I felt the same way, and he asked me the same question, and I also said “no” again. 

These encounters happened a few times, until one day he said “Why don't you pray?” And I decided “Okay, I'll pray.” And I prayed and you know, I was expecting the sky to suddenly open up choir music, to start playing, and instead nothing happened. I felt nothing. It was.. I just made some movements and that was it. And we'll call him Angel Brother from now on. But Angel Brother told me that that's good, “Continue doing it whenever you feel empty.”

And I tried every now and then to pray those two rak’aahs. And then, one day, I'm not sure what compelled me, but it was around Maghrib time and I decided to drive to the mosque and pray jama’ah (in congregation). And when it came time to say “Ihdina As-Siraatul Mustaqim(guide us to the Straight Path)”, I heard that and I just started weeping uncontrollably, and subhanAllah, I felt something after a very long time, and I remember telling that to Angel Brother, and he told me to make a commitment to him to pray Maghrib at the mosque daily no matter what. It didn't matter if I had been praying the other four, nothing mattered. The only thing that mattered was that I focused on Maghrib, and it was winter time in Canada, and the days are a lot shorter. So Asr, Maghrib, and Isha are very close to each other, and I found this sense of safety in the masjid. So sometimes after Maghrib, I would just sit, maybe read the Qur’an, maybe I would just sit there and, I don't know, lay there. I would just feel really a sense of ease at the masjid. And then suddenly I hear the adhan for Isha. So I go “Okay, I might as well pray Isha as well”, and that became a habit of mine where Maghrib and Isha started. 

And then the Imam looked at me and he said “There's a Qur’an teacher, but he comes late. Are you okay, if possible, can you come right before Asr so that we can have some support for the students?” And so then I started coming for Asr, and I struggled with sleep, so I would go for Fajr as well. And lo and behold, I had made four out of five, and it was just a matter of praying Dhuhr which I started as well. So, slowly but surely, I found myself praying five times a day, alhamdulillah, and it's still consistent. And a lot has changed from then. I started making a stronger commitment to redirect myself to the right path. I started feeling more and more blessings coming my way; tears, emotions, and feeling. I was struggling a lot, but I felt that the darkness that was in my heart, the emptiness, it was decreasing. 

I eventually started interacting with other brothers from the server as well which was a suggestion that Angel Brother gave me. I met, and I've continued to meet, a lot of beautiful brothers and sisters from the server. I remember meeting a brother for the first time as well. I cried in his arms after I shared my story.

Waheed: 58:36

That's a different brother from Angel Brother, correct?

Mustafa: 58:38

Yes, this is a different brother. When I met him, I was sharing my story, and I wasn't going to give him everything about the marriage. I was just going to say I was in a relationship and I ended it. And I just started blurting it out without realizing, and when I was done, I was scared that he was going to leave, and instead, he just gave me a hug, and I wept in his arms. This brother really helped me work on understanding and relearning what healthy male touch looks like. Through hugs, through hand-holding, relearning healthy connections with men, specifically. I think I had sexualized the concept of touch. I had sexualized the concept of connection or romanticized it even. So, it was a very.. It was new territory for me. The inner work I did in that front was to learn to humanize and demystify others, learning to connect with them emotionally and platonically, learning from their stories, no longer seeing men as pieces of flesh but rather as brothers and fellow human beings. And I felt like this was a huge contrast from the LGBT paradigm that I had grown to understand, which was the concept of “Do I want to be him or do I want to be with him?” I think I just saw them for who they were. Men and women of God who were on the same journey as me and trying to stay on the right path.

Waheed: 1:00:28

And just to clarify for the listeners, the idea of being him, this is quite common within same-sex relations, the idea, particularly among male-male relations, that you want to be him, because you are attracted to something that he has. So the idea of consuming the other person is to kind of try and embody those characteristics of him that attract you to him, whether they're physical features or maybe charisma or something about his personality or what have you. Versus being with him, as in being side to side, having a relationship, as opposed to being one and consuming the other guy. It all goes to the dynamics that are at play here. 

From what we understand from you is that what you found through Angel Brother and then this new brother that came your way and offered you all of that support and understanding and helped you with your healing journey is that it was very healthy, very platonic, and very brotherly. And, you know, unconditional in a way that is beyond what you had experienced, so to speak, before, correct?

Mustafa: 1:01:42

Yes, exactly. I think, growing up, I didn't have a understanding of healthy male connections, either physical or emotional, so this was very new to me. And I think even the relationship itself it was new to me, in the sense of I was getting emotional and physical connection, something that I'd never gotten in my life. And so this was the healthy version of that, at least in my eyes.

Waheed: 1:02:18

SubhanAllah.. Beautiful.

Mustafa: 1:02:21

And you know, the journey of meeting others even led me to meeting a friend of mine from the server who I am now rooming with. He's my roommate, and this time it's not a “roommate”, it's an actual brother who's my roommate. Alhamdulillah. 

Waheed: 1:02:41

Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah. That's wonderful Alhamdulillah.

May Allah bless you. This is excellent, mashaAllah. So at the time, your interactions with Angel Brother were completely virtual. They were completely online, correct?

Mustafa: 1:02:56

Yes.

Waheed: 1:02:57

Okay, and at the time, you had never met him face-to-face. Did you ever meet him face-to-face?

Mustafa: 1:03:02

I've met him plenty of times face-to-face. I have after having connected with him. It's surreal sometimes to meet a “guardian angel” that helped me and getting a hug from him, holding his hand, getting to speak with him in person. It's a form of healing in and of itself.

Waheed: 1:03:31

Of course, subhan Allah. And, you know, I think we can all take a moment to express gratitude at this, because it was honestly through every story, in Voices from Beyond the Rainbow, I could see a common thread and it is very vivid in your story which is the idea that Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, is taking care of you every step of the way. He never let go. And, you know, it could have been any other person you could have talked to on the server, but you joined at a specific time. The first person you spoke with at that time ended up being someone who was able to give you the support and the love that you needed, and it was like a domino effect, one thing led to another, led to another, led to another. None of this is a coincidence, subhan Allah, and sometimes we take that for granted, but this is something that is, subhan Allah, I really don't know how to describe it, except that Allah is Ar-Rahman, Ar-Rahim (The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful). Alhamdulillah for Allah, for His love and for His majesty and for His kindness and unconditional love. I really don't know how to describe it, subhan Allah.

Mustafa: 1:04:40

Subhan Allah, indeed. And I think, even as I was talking about the anger I had towards Allah, and sometimes I go into shame, even as I was considering.. I think when you had reached out to me, Waheed, for this podcast, I was in a lot of shame, because my story is one where I've made mistakes, and I feel I can go into a lot of shame, I can go down that route, but I've also learned to understand that Allah had a reason for it.

Waheed: 1:05:24

Right.

Mustafa: 1:05:26

And, subhan Allah, I don't think I would be the man I am today speaking with you had I not gone through all of that. Because it really helped me understand who I need to be, I need to wake up every day, and be grateful for everything Allah has given me. Even the negatives, because we don't know why the negatives happen, but they might be for our benefit.

Waheed: 1:05:57

Absolutely. Beautifully said, MashaAllah, jazak Allah khair.

Mustafa: 1:06:03

So, yeah, I wanted to just end this theme off with the notion of acceptance and affirmation. I've been using that word a lot. The current concept whenever we think of acceptance and affirmation to one's own attractions follows a more liberal LGBTQIA+ way of it. It's what I assumed was the only solution for myself.

And I think it's so crucial to accept our SSA for what it is. You or I or we, whoever is listening to this podcast, we have same-sex attractions that we struggle with. With that fact comes a lot of pain, shame, and guilt. You can insert whatever negative emotion you want to add. I think it's so important for us to see our SSA without those emotions attached and try to separate the attraction from the person, because shame makes me the problem. And if I have same-sex attractions.. especially when I started this journey of understanding my same-sex attractions, I couldn't accept myself. I couldn't affirm the fact that I had SSA. And had I done that, just accepted it, maybe I wouldn't need to go all this way. But again, that's a what-if, and I don't like to delve into those.

At the end of the day, these are the decisions that I made, and they represent my journey. Those were my beliefs back then, and I know what my beliefs are now. If I wanted to, I could fall into a vicious cycle of shame—constantly beating myself up for the choices I made—but I think there’s no point in doing that. I trust that Allah had a reason for guiding me through this, and perhaps one of those reasons is so I can help others. That’s really what it comes down to. My intention in sharing my story is to reach someone who might be on the edge of making a choice that doesn’t reflect their moral or religious values. They might be seeking relief from the internal struggle, pain, and self-criticism that now has become their “home.” I hope that my story inspires others who might use it to inform their own decisions.

Ultimately, the path we choose is our own. I want to emphasize that there is no single “right” way to arrive at these conclusions, and if your conclusion is different from mine, then that is your story. Every person’s path is unique, and every test is tailored to what their soul needs in order to grow closer to Allah. I pray that Allah grants us all hidayah (guidance) and helps us do right by Him. Ameen.

Waheed: 1:09:17

One of the the main themes that you also wanted to talk about, and you alluded to that earlier in this episode, is the concept of God wounds and your connection with Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. The anger that you told us about earlier, and the kind of distance that you had from Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, and how that started to shift. And you wanted to elaborate more on this as a central theme in this episode. So what can you tell us about that?

Mustafa: 1:09:45

Yeah, I think I'll begin with an understanding of how I viewed Allah, and I say “viewed” because that has now changed in the recent past. So the way I used to see Allah was that Allah is almost at the top of the mountain. I'm at the bottom and I'm trying to climb to get to Him, and the further up I'm scaling up, the mountain just keeps getting taller and taller. So no matter how hard I try, I can never reach Him. And I didn't have a lot of trust in Allah. You know, we say tawakkul (trust), have tawakkul in Allah, but I don't think I did. I had a lot of resentment towards Him as a result of that. I was asking Allah to remove my SSA, but nothing was happening. You know, “why are You not helping me?”

It was also a very self-centered way of looking at Allah, that Allah needs to help me. He hated me. He was so disappointed in me. His love was conditional. I think that was the most important part: His love was conditional. I couldn't mess up, I couldn't do.. If I did something wrong, then it was over. He already was so distant from me, that if I wasn't perfect, then I'd lose His interest. You know, it was almost like He was present, but He didn't want anything to do with me, and I think that ties really well with the concept that our parents are our first higher powers. And I think this concept of being present but at the same time not being emotionally present reminds me a lot of my dad, who was there for me physically but not there. There's a lot of, I guess, emotional neglect on his end. And I think that translated to how I viewed Allah as well, as somebody who was present but not there, if that makes any sense. 

Waheed: 1:12:02

Absolutely, absolutely. I think this is a very common theme that a lot of us experience in terms of, you know, because of the earliest caregivers usually the mother and the father, or the father figure and the mother figure, they are the earliest representation of authority and power, and they are, in a way, a manifestation of God, so to speak, for the child growing up. And so if the child growing up had a positive experience with authority in the form of mom and dad, there is a high chance that they will have a positive experience of Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, provided that there is an introduction of Allah and religion or spirituality in that child's life. And, conversely, if they had a tumultuous relationship with the father, for example, in your case, or the father wasn't present, there would be a lot of projection onto Allah based on those early childhood experiences.

Mustafa: 1:13:02

Of course, and I think that translated to Allah, and I think it was also compounded by this, a similar notion that I used to have with my dad is why do you hate me?

I wanted his acceptance, ultimately. And in the same vein, I wanted Allah's acceptance. I had a lot of love for Allah, but I didn't even know how to express it or connect with Him. Yeah, that was where I was, and I think it's easy for me to look back and reflect on why maybe I did the things I did because I didn't trust Allah and in what He had given me. And..

Waheed: 1:13:51

May I ask you? Sorry to interrupt.. But just for us to also kind of understand that dynamic. Did you grow up in a religious household? Was it quite a conservative household? Was religion pushed on you, or was it quite flexible? How was it for you growing up?

Mustafa: 1:14:11

I think religion was a focal point, but it wasn't pushed on us. We were asked to pray. We were forced to pray at times, at least I was, we would go to the masjid whenever we could. We didn't grow up in a conservative household. Islam was present. Islam was an important part of our lives. I mean we are Muslims. I obviously mimic how my dad was. My dad prayed, but I didn't see him pray all the time, and so I used to.. I think that translated into how I viewed Salah. I guess that I viewed Salah as something that you pray when you can, as a result of that. Maybe that's the message that I took from it.

Waheed: 1:15:14

What started to change, or how did that relationship with Allah SWT start to change, from that place of fear and hate and love is conditional, how did things start to shift?

Mustafa: 1:15:27

Subhan Allah. I think one of the one of the most important things that I've had, well the most important steps I've taken in my journey, so far, has been joining a 12-step program. And alhamdulillah for that, because it is also a spiritual program. Step two is written as “we came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”

I think the work that I was doing with my sponsor was what is this power greater than ourselves? What is the God of my understanding? And when I expressed the God of my understanding to him, he mentioned how much resentment I have towards Allah. I used to think that I had step 2 down already, because I already believe in Allah and, yes, He can restore me to sanity. He performs miracles. He can do the same as well. And sanity, in this case, it doesn't mean that I'm sane in a literal sense. It just means in terms of my addiction, and how it's made my life unmanageable.

Waheed: 1:16:44

So basically it's kind of instilled in you a sense of equilibrium and peace as opposed to this kind of addiction, coping.. place of coping, and loss and void.

Mustafa: 1:16:56

Indeed, and the way my sponsor made me do it was he asked me to write down what I would want in a god, and it sounds very.. you know, when you initially, when I initially heard that, I was like this sounds really blasphemous, Astaghfirullah. But when I started writing down, I realized that this already are attributes of Allah. He's present, He's validating, He's all powerful, He's knowing, He's understanding. He's present, He never blinks, He never quits on you, He never leaves, He's eternally patient. He challenges me to reach my potential. The most important one for me that I wrote down was I can trust him to always show up. I can trust him to always show up. I can trust him to not judge me, not dismiss me, not make me feel invisible.

Waheed: 1:17:50

Beautiful.

Mustafa: 1:17:51

And I think that was a very important part for me. It's a very personal relationship I have with Him. I need it to be personal, I need it to be sacred for my sake. You know there's the principle of least interest. The relationship, or a relationship, is defined by the party least interested. We know that Allah is always the party that is most interested in us. I mean, after all, He created us. There's the hadith that Allah says that you know, “Whoever draws close to Me by the length of a hand, I will draw close to him by the length of an arm. Whoever draws close to Me by the length of an arm, I will draw close to him by the length of a fathom. And whoever comes to Me walking, I will come to him running.”

Waheed: 1:18:41

Beautiful hadith.

Mustafa: 1:18:42

He's already.. He's the most interested in us. We just have to make the first step towards Him.

Waheed: 1:18:49

Absolutely.

Mustafa: 1:18:51

So writing that down and believing, really believing, that this is Allah. Allah doesn't love me conditionally, he loves me unconditionally. He isn't disappointed in me, He doesn't leave me because I have messed up. He's gracious, He lets me.. as my sponsor says, He lets me retake the test every day, every single time. There are infinite re-dos. He's the Most Merciful, He's the Most Gracious, He's the Most Forgiving.

Waheed: 1:19:22

Alhamdulillah.

Mustafa: 1:19:24

Alhamdulillah for that. Yeah, I think that led into a very important practice that I try to do every single day. And disclaimer! I don't do it every single day, because I'm lazy, but a gratitude list. So you write down on the top of the page I'm grateful that or I'm grateful for, and you write down 50 things you're grateful for or you're grateful that, and you might be wondering that that is a lot. And then you wonder oh, I have two hands. Then I write, I have a finger, I have five fingers, I have 10 fingers. I have eyes that I can see with. I have a nose that I can breathe with. I have a mouth that I can taste with or I can talk with. I have ears that I can hear with. I have hair. I have a body that's healthy, alhamdulillah. I have food on the table, I have shelter, I have heating, I have water. You keep going and going and that's already close to 10 gratitudes. It has been such a wonderful tool and an opportunity to remember that Allah has given me so much. I think I've grown to learn that a lack of gratitude is a lack of awareness in Allah, and it goes back to the principle of least interest. I need to be aware that Allah is there and I need to consciously make the effort, and I think part of the consciously making effort also is talking to Allah. You know it's more for me than it is for Him. He already knows what is in my heart, what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling.

So I try to do a nightly thing where I sit down and I just talk to Allah. I thank Him for everything He's given me, I let Him know how I'm feeling, how the day went, and I ask Him to give me a good night's sleep, so that I may wake up and face the day and face the challenges that He set for me, because He does challenge us, because He wants us to be the best version of ourselves. Alhamdulillah for that.

Waheed: 1:21:44

Alhamdulillah.

Mustafa: 1:21:45

Finally, dhikr. I think remembrance of Allah again, it's all been pivotal for my newfound relationship with Him. I need to keep remembering Him, I need to put Him front and center. He needs to belong in my heart. And, alhamdulillah, doing that has had an immense effect on my prayers. There's a lot of khushu’(focus), and before this, prayers, as I mentioned, used to feel like a chore, and now when I'm praying, I make the niyyah(intention), and I try to picture Allah who is, and I don't mean personify Him, but I try to picture the attributes of the loving God, who is patient with me, who knows that I will make mistakes in salah, but He is happy to see me worship Him and He's listening, He loves me, no matter what. It's a miracle, it's a blessing to pray to such a God, alhamdulillah.

Waheed: 1:22:57

Alhamdulillah.

Mustafa: 1:22:59

I think there's a quote my sponsor shared with me that I love reading every now and then. “The world's longest journey from the head to the heart is coming to believe that He (Allah) is very fond of me.”

Waheed: 1:23:17

MashaAllah. This is very, very poignant, very straight to the point and, subhan Allah, very true. Jazak Allah khair for sharing that, I love it. Ah, bro, I wish I could give you a big hug right now, honestly, but all I could do is just send you a virtual hug. Like a transatlantic hug.

Mustafa: 1:23:36

Thank you, I'm here for transatlantic hugs.

Waheed: 1:23:41

Oh man, I'm very proud of you, honestly MashaAllah. May Allah bless you and give you strength and tawfeeq.

Waheed: 1:24:00

Another theme you wanted to also talk about with us is the theme of shame. Your perception of self-worth, self-blame that you have dealt with for a long period of time in your life. So how were you able to disentangle all of these webs, and how were you able to go about that healing journey in terms of rewriting that narrative with yourself? What can you tell us about that?

Mustafa: 1:24:28

Yeah, so I think I'll start with the message that I used to tell myself, and if I'm being completely honest, it's sometimes what I default to every now and then as well. So the messaging was “I'm unlovable, I'm alone, I'm unworthy” stemmed from a lot of shame and beliefs that were affirmed by parental upbringings. There was a lot of emotional neglect, as I mentioned, from my dad. And I was often really scared to approach him, because I didn't even know how to approach him. He wasn't physically or verbally abusive, but the lack of presence was pretty traumatizing. And, again, lack of presence not being physical but being mainly emotional. I didn't have a lot of other.. or I didn't have any male figures to look up to.. that built that detachment from the masculine, built a lot of shame. You know, if dad didn't love me, then there must be something wrong with me.

Waheed: 1:25:34

Right.

Mustafa: 1:25:36

Yeah, and that was definitely compounded when I came to realize that I had SSA. There was a lot of SSA-based shame, self-hatred, disgust, anger, and obviously I've discussed all of that from that lens. But I think I wanted to discuss more so the inner critic. The inner critic who never gives up. When the SSA stuff came, it was “you make me sick, you're disgusting.” If I mess something up, “you're a failure, you're garbage.” The lesson that he was trying to teach me was that I needed to be perfect, and if I'm not perfect, I'm a loser, I'm a failure, I'm never good enough. And I think I can also say that maybe it came from the notion of never appeasing my dad, and by my understanding of a higher power, God as well. That no matter how good I did, it was never enough, no matter how far I scaled that mountain, the mountain kept growing taller and taller. 

And I think there was also a lot of self-centeredness in this. There was living in self. It was all about me. I was the best victim that ever lived. I am the biggest piece of crap that ever lived. I am the most disgusting person. I am this. I am a complete failure. Everything is about me and it is all in the negative. At some point, I had to learn to be honest with myself about what the reality is. So I guess maybe I'll go to what has helped me re-frame this or fight this thought process. I think the first one is, like I mentioned, how Allah sees me, because that is, first and foremost, my new understanding of Allah, the God of my understanding, who loves me, who's present, who doesn't judge me, who gives me chances. There's more than a second chance. I can retake the exam as many times as I need to.

If we believe we are worthless and unlovable, we'll assume that God feels the same about us, and God knows us in a way that we've never known of ourselves or we could even begin to imagine. And I don't even know how Allah views, and I can never know that. All I can try to recognize is that if Allah loves me, if Allah doesn't hate me, if He's always present, if He's not going anywhere, no matter what I do, and He's all forgiving, then I must have some worth, I must be lovable, I must not be a failure. I think, in addition to that, I had to learn - and this is the most difficult one for me - is ending the negative self-talk. Allowing the inner critic to speak for 30 seconds and timing it almost and saying “Thank you so much, critic, now get out of my brain!”

Waheed: 1:28:50

Well done.. Well done, all right!

Mustafa: 1:28:53

Yeah..

Waheed: 1:28:55

Which is not easy to do..

Mustafa: 1:28:57

Which is not easy to do, and, like I said, I try to practice this and it's the most difficult one. And I have to remember in that moment that the inner critic does have a purpose. Everything has a purpose, and the inner critic is there to help keep you safe and avoid potential harm. But, at some point, you have to recognize when that protectiveness turns into abuse. Yeah. 

Waheed: 1:29:26

Yes. It's part of the you know.. one of the understandings is that it's part of the survival brain. When you were growing up, you needed to attach to your caregivers, your parents. And if that was not an ideal environment for you, or if maybe one of the parental figures were missing or abusive or what have you, you kind of had to trade in your authenticity, the ability to express your needs and to be met with understanding and love, you had to trade that in for you to be able to attach to others, for you to feel grounded and supported by others, to feel seen. And we ended up suppressing so much growing up to be able to survive, that it kind of blew up, and that's how the inner critic came to exist in a very harsh way. When, in fact, it's like a protective mechanism, but it went too far, so to speak.

Mustafa: 1:30:25

Exactly. I also think another way to end the self-talk, or this negative self-talk, for me has been the serenity prayer as part of the 12-step program. And it goes something along the lines of “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Thy Will, not mine, be done.”

Waheed: 1:30:54

It's a beautiful prayer.

Mustafa: 1:30:56

It is a beautiful prayer, and it's an important thing for me to really sit and think in that moment: “Can I change this aspect, or can I change whatever is going on? If I can, then one how can I do it? And if I can't, then what is God wanting me to learn in that moment?”

Waheed: 1:31:19

Amen, Beautiful.

Mustafa: 1:31:20

I think the other one that I've also worked on implementing is the idea of living life on life's terms, and that is being able to embrace the emotional pain or the discomfort. You know, the healthy approach whenever you face pain is to be able to accept it and the hurdle that life throws our ways. But, in my case, I ran from it, I escaped from it. I was numbing, and that came through destructive, addictive behaviors. And, for me, the 12-step program not only taught me a new understanding of God, it helped me place tawakkul in Allah. And in doing so I'm learning to live life on life's terms and, most importantly, that the pain, the discomfort, while it is painful, it will not kill us. 

Waheed: 1:32:17

Yeah, subhan Allah. Beautifully said.

Mustafa: 1:32:21

And I, also, through the Discord server, through the 12-step fellowship, I've grown to learn that I don't have to experience this pain alone. I do have friends and loved ones. I do have a support system and a support network which I can tap into. I have Angel Brother, I have my roommate, I have several lovely people, and I'm so grateful to Allah for their presence in my life.

Waheed: 1:32:52

MashaAllah. Indeed, it's a huge blessing from Allah (SWT), Alhamdulillah.

Mustafa: 1:32:58

Indeed, it is. Alhamdulillah for that. And through that idea of not needing to experience this pain alone, I wanted to highlight the work I've done with my sponsor, where I've received a form of fatherly love and affection. And in the case of Angel Brother, receiving an older brother's love. Both of which I feel like I have lacked.

And there's this concept of chosen family that is often discussed in the LGBTQIA+ community. Which is that there is our blood family, and then there's chosen family.

Waheed: 1:33:41

More broadly, even in the recovery community as well. You'll find that in terms of the chosen family as well.

Mustafa: 1:33:47

Yeah, so I think it's important for us to find folks that become part of that family, our spiritual family, if you will. I've been very scared and mistrusting of love that I've received. And, you know, even in my marriage, I feel like I didn't open up as much as I should have. And I think, as men with SSA, it's crucial to seek out healthy forms of love with men, and I also think it's important to seek healthy forms of fatherly and brotherly love.

Waheed: 1:34:25

Absolutely, absolutely.

Mustafa: 1:34:28

There was a lot of fear of abandonment. I was really scared of Angel Brother and my sponsor leaving me or finding someone who is a lot better than me. And it went away with time, the more secure I felt in my status, in my relationship..

Waheed: 1:34:49

And this is, you know, in addition to many things, many gems that you've shared with us. I think this one resonates a lot with people, particularly who are starting out, who have had attachment trauma growing up. That they feel like, once they've found someone who gives them the love and attention and care and affection that they need,  they latch onto that person. And there is a fear of abandonment, there's anxious attachment, and it really becomes quite intense. And if the other person isn't understanding enough, or doesn't have the emotional maturity to deal with that, it can become detrimental. So, alhamdulillah, I'm glad that with the fatherly love that you got through your sponsor, with the brotherly love that you got through Angel Brother, you were able to navigate that and get to a better place. To find that sense of stability, even though they were dealing with other people in their lives. They were going about their lives. Even though, I would assume there was some sense of jealousy at the beginning. But, alhamdulillah, those feelings dissipated because you were able to find that sense of safety, and I think safety is one of the most important things that people can offer others who have abandonment wounds or anxious attachment or what have you. Because it's coming from a place of lack of safety. So when that person feels safe enough, feels that this love is not going to disappear, that I am there for you, but I am also taking care of my life and taking care of my responsibilities, but I'm not going to abandon you. It takes some time to get adjusted to that. It kind of becomes their new normal that, “Okay, I can let my guards down and I'm no longer anxious.” At least it's a gradual process, but we get there. And I think this is important to mention, because a lot of people feel that they can't get out of that. But yes, you can. But you need a healthy relationship with someone else who can give you that love.

Mustafa: 1:36:36

Yes, I truly agree to that, and I think two points come to mind as you're mentioning that. I think, in my case, when I was receiving that love, affection, and presence from both of them, there was always a question of “What is in it for you guys? Why are you doing this? Why are you helping me? What do you hope to gain from this?” There was a lot of mistrust. I was so grateful for the love I was receiving, but there was also just a “why?” And maybe that stemmed from shame as well. I'm not worthy, so “Why are you helping me? Why are you still here?” And I think my sponsor said it best. He said, “because you're so worth it.”

Waheed: 1:37:30

Oh, subhan Allah. How did you feel when he called you that for the first time?

Mustafa: 1:37:36

Oh, I cried..

Waheed: 1:37:38

I can imagine.. Subhan Allah.

Mustafa: 1:37:40

And even with the tears, I was like, nah, this man is just saying things. You know it was a mixture of emotions. It was one part hearing that and it hitting a core. It's shattering a core belief, or maybe not shattering, maybe putting a dent on a core belief of mine, and that brought about a lot of tears and emotions. But again, the mistrusting side was “he's just saying this because he needs to say it” and, like you said, time allows us to see, whether something is true or not. And, in this case, alhamdulillah, I've learned through both their presence that it is true. That when they say that you're worth it, when they say that they love me, that they're not.. It's not just words. I can see it through actions and I'm grateful for that love.

The other point I wanted to make was, while we're on this subject, is the idea of not putting all your eggs in one basket.

Waheed: 1:38:51

Yes, preach.

Mustafa: 1:38:54

I think when I was talking to Angel Brother, I had put all my eggs in this man's basket.

Waheed: 1:39:02

Which is a normal thing to do, you know, we need to say this. This is very normal. He came your way, you finally found someone who is able to understand you and love you, and give you love and attention and affection in a healthy way, who is in line with your value system, and the floodgates were open. So this is normal. Just a caveat for people listening. Carry on..

Mustafa: 1:39:27

Yeah, no, and I agree. And I think what Angel Brother did at that time was.. and I look back at it and I'm like, I'm glad he did it when he did. At some point, he told me to start seeking other relationships, that he's not going to always be there.

Waheed: 1:39:45

And you were like, ugh, he's going to leave me, abandonment.. Ding, ding, ding!

Mustafa: 1:39:49

Yes, it went ding ding, ding and I was like you know what he's right? You know I don't need him, I don't need this. I'm going to talk to others and this, and this.

Waheed: 1:39:49

I'm better than him. Who does he think he is? What does he know.. All that.

Mustafa: 1:40:02

Exactly. But looking back at it, I'm so grateful that he told me to take that step, because not only did it help develop some amazing relationships, but it also helped me reduce the dependency I was developing on him. Because there was a time where he was the only person I was talking to. He was the person that was helping me get out of bed, and that can be a very dangerous dependency to have on a person.

Waheed: 1:40:39

It's very draining for both of you, I can imagine.

Mustafa: 1:40:41

Yeah. And speaking with him afterwards I learned how draining it was. But so I have a lot of love, respect and duaas for him that he helped me the way he did, and I can only hope that I can pass the torch and help somebody in their time of need. InshaAllah.

Waheed: 1:41:02

InshaAllah, inshaAllah. That's what this is about, Alhamdulillah. And, on that note, we just want to give a lot of love and regards to Angel Brother and we hope he's listening to us and we appreciate everything that you've done with Mustafa and other brothers. May Allah reward you immensely.

Mustafa: 1:41:21

Ameen.

As you mentioned, diversifying friendships was the most important one, because not only did it open me up to meeting brothers in person and receiving care and affection in a way I never thought was possible, and now I just enjoy meeting as many people as I can from the server. I find it's at least a way that I can give back is at least learning to meet others, hear their stories out, and I think the most important one is being there for them, which I hope I can do. I hope I can do it in the way Angel Brother did.

Waheed: 1:41:58

And they're also there for you, so it goes both ways, right?

Mustafa: 1:42:02

Yes, yes, exactly. It's a two-way street. I think, finally, what has helped the most.. Probably the final step of what has helped and what is worth to fight this thought process, is to forgive myself. If God forgives, then why do I need to hold this over my head. Why do I need to keep whipping myself when the Most Merciful, the Most Gracious, the All-Forgiving forgives me? We're trying to put ourselves as the judge, and we have to learn to get off of that seat because it doesn't belong to us.

I think that's the most difficult part, and I think I fall victim to that very easily. My critic comes in. The judge, jury, executioner. I turn into all three of them in one quick succession. It's important for me in that moment to, like I said, end the negative self-talk and remind myself, how does God see me? And, most importantly, if Allah can forgive me, and I trust that Allah can forgive me, that He's the Most Merciful, then I have to learn to forgive myself.

Waheed: 1:43:31

Beautiful, Alhamdulillah.

Mustafa: 1:43:34

There's something that is in the 12-step reading. we say “We were making the real connection. We were home.” And I'm beginning to see that I'm home at last, and that home was Allah waiting for me to connect with Him. Alhamdulillah, within the last few years, I'm starting to feel comfortable in my own skin as a Muslim, as someone who experiences SSA. My loving God is here to ensure that I have hope and success in breaking the cycle of shame. And I still have a lot of work to do. I'm not perfect, but I do not have to be. You know, that's the most important thing I want to make note of is that we're not perfect. We don't need to get somewhere to achieve a level of serenity. I think I even wrote this in my post. Most importantly is that the grass is always greener on the other side, but it's more useful to nurture the one you are standing on.

Waheed: 1:44:52

If I were to ask you to share with us what are the resources that have helped you along this journey of yours, you have shared so far with us: you said that you are part of the 12-step program. You have a sponsor who is your father figure, he's also your mentor. You told us about Angel Brother, who is an older brother figure who's giving you the brotherly love and affection. You have people who love you and care about you in your community, you know on the Discord “Straight Struggle” server. People that you've met in real life. You have all of these friendships. What else has also helped you on this journey so far?

Mustafa: 1:45:30

I think you pretty much covered all of them. I think I want to emphasize the importance of those healthy connections. I think it's important to try to put yourself out there, make new friends and search for mentors in your life. I think it doesn't necessarily even need to be in the community to begin with. You can start off from something like “Straight Struggle.” Because I didn't go to the community first. I found Angel Brother, and through him, and through putting myself out there, I met a lot of people.

I'm grateful to have the people in my life. I'm grateful for support systems, the support networks I have. As I mentioned, I have a roommate who is from the server, and his support, his care, the safety I feel is paramount in my recovery journey, in my healing journey. Yeah, it's important to remember that we're not alone. I think something like “Straight Struggle” reminds us that we aren't. We're all on the same journey. This isn't a race. It's important to seek support from those who might be a bit ahead in their journey, or even further ahead, and ask them how they did it, ask them for guidance, ask them for help. 

Yeah, I also want to emphasize the importance of therapy. Sometimes we think that therapy is not for us. We're not that crazy, we're not this. I think therapy doesn't need to be.. You don't need to reach a stage of, I don't know, psychosis or something that requires you to get to therapy.

I think, given the struggles that we face, the shame, the self-loathing we may face, even the religious doubts that we may have. It's important to seek counseling for that. It's important to, just like the connections, it's important to push ourselves from not being alone. I think we even mention in the 12-step program that it's a disease of isolation. I think that translates or transposes itself really well onto same-sex attractions. I think the shame makes it an isolating journey, that if only somebody found out about my dirty little secret, it's over. And I lived with that ever since I had come to the realization that I had SSA. So if there's one thing I can say is to not be afraid to express what's bothering you, to push yourself to not be alone. It's easy to stay in the loneliness, but you'll miss out on a beautiful life if you protect yourself from getting hurt.

I also think reading different topics, particularly the self-help genre, if you will. I think it's a saturated genre of literature, but I think, at the same time, there's a lot of gems that we can access and utilize to our advantage. Interestingly for me, a lot of the stuff I talked about came from a Christian book which was called Removing Your Shame Label. I've been reading it and, at the moment, I find it particularly helpful and useful. And I think it's important for us to enter spaces of learning with an open mind and a desire to learn something.

Waheed: 1:50:08

And I think what comes to mind is, I think it's a hadith attributed to the Prophet (PBUH), but I think it's a very weak hadith. But in any way, we can consider it a piece of wisdom. Basically, it says that “Wisdom is the lost property of the believer. Wherever you find it, you are worthy of it.” And so, whether it's within Islamic literature, whether it's outside, you know, wherever you find a piece of wisdom that helps you on your journey, it's worthy to make use of that and to, you know, implement it, to help others know of it. And I think, mashaAllah, you have done that particularly. 

And I think it also applies to like when I started my own journey, I think all, I would say most, if not all, of the literature out there that I've used in my journey and kind of contributed to the research that was done in A Way Beyond the Rainbow was basically Christian and Jewish literature. You know, we didn't have much of Islamic literature, not when it comes to same-sex attractions or, at the time, even gender dysphoria. Alhamdulillah, recently, in recent years, there has been kind of a change, a shifting tide, so to speak, and more Islamic resources are being published, and people are speaking about this. But, yeah, 100%, I think that a lot of these things that we have learned, we owe it to many of our Christian and Jewish brothers and sisters who have done a great job. And we have learned so much from them. We have taken all of this information, and we have assimilated it, and we have integrated it within an Islamic framework. So may Allah reward them and reward everyone who's doing this amazing work.

Mustafa: 1:51:49

Ameen. Yeah even the 12-step program, initially when I joined it, I didn't have that much of an open mind. I was very wary of it. I thought it was a Christian program initially, but over time, I came to realize it's a spiritual one. And I work with a sponsor who's non-Muslim, and Allah wanted that to happen because, subhan Allah, I have a very, very beautiful relationship with Allah. And I hope it only improves and gets stronger, and I can continue to scale up that mountain that now doesn't seem to be getting taller and taller, alhamdulillah. 

Waheed: 1:52:36

Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah. That's beautiful to hear. I'm very happy to hear that, alhamdulillah.

Waheed: 1:52:42

One question that comes to mind is, you know, obviously you went down that revisionist path, and you said you know you were able to see the cracks and the problems within the whole framework. And, you know, obviously this topic has been discussed in detail, from an Islamic perspective, from a rational perspective. I think, mashaAllah, brother Mobeen Vaid has published extensively on this, and alhamdulillah, we've had the chance to interview him back in A Way Beyond the Rainbow over two episodes, and we talked about revisionism in detail. And, inshaAllah, I'll link the episodes in the episode show notes for people who are interested in this topic to maybe check them out and learn more about this topic. But for you, given that you have been through that, and you have lived it, for anyone listening to you, or if we have parents listening to you whose children are going down a revisionist path, which is, by the way, very common. And they want to learn and/or they're rethinking about things, they're quite on the fence, or they're quite you know maybe they were in the same place you were in a couple of years ago, right? What advice would you give them to them, if they are men and women struggling with SSA or gender dysphoria, and let's say also their parents or family members.

Mustafa: 1:54:06

I think, when it comes to.. Firstly, thank you for that question. I think what comes to my mind, especially for someone who's struggling with SSA or GD and who is considering the revisionist path, what is your end goal? What is it that you're hoping for by going down this path? I would advise them not to run with what your heart tells you. Try to also see objectively what is there to it, and, most importantly, asking Allah for guidance to what is true. I think, like I mentioned in this episode, there's a lot of cracks to the argument that I found and I wouldn't necessarily want to go back and try that out again. And I think it's important for anybody who's considering the path to critically see the cracks themselves, to really see them for what they are, rather than thinking that that is the only solution that they have.

As for parents, I would advise them to be present. Show up. Do not try to scream or fight them on what is going on. Simply be present. If you'd want, discuss this with them in a calm conversation. Do not be quick to throw accusations and form any conclusions based on it. Your child is a work in progress, and we can only pray that Allah guides them, and we can give them advice. We can try to show them the cracks if they're not seeing them, but ultimately it is Allah Who can guide them.

I think one of the most harmful things that parents can do is almost push the child away in the process. Almost make the child feel anger, resentment, and annoyance towards faith, that they just leave the fold of Islam altogether. So I think it's important to be very calm and collected and be very sensitive in these conversations.

Waheed: 1:56:35

I cannot agree more, mashaAllah, very well said. Barakallahu feek.

Waheed: 1:56:51

Brother Mustafa, JazakAllah khair, you have shared with us so many beautiful gems, and this has been a beautiful spiritual journey, I felt, you know, from start to finish. So thank you for being vulnerable with us, for sharing all of these beautiful gems that you have shared with us. What I'd like to ask you is, you have shared with us where you are right now, but where do you hope to be in the future?

Mustafa: 1:57:15

Good question. I think I'll start the answer with three phases. Where I was, which was I used to feel like I was the damsel in distress. I was the one that consistently needed help. I was the one that was drowning and I was just looking around for somebody to help me, and I remember that feeling very vividly. Alhamdulillah, now, I'm at a stage where I don't feel like I'm drowning. Maybe I learned how to swim. I'm still a bit new to swimming, but I'm not drowning, I'm treading water.

Where I plan to be in the future is, I want to be able to help people learn how to swim. I want to be there for others. It's by design the way Allah does things, and I hope that my experience, my journey, can be a source of help and guidance, and that I can be a sense of hope and guidance for others who may be in that dark room, who feel that there's no light there. I'd like to be there for them, if I can.

Waheed: 1:58:47

And inshaAllah you can, and you are already doing that, mashaAllah.

Mustafa: 1:58:51

Alhamdulillah, and I also think where I see myself is continuing to take the actions towards getting closer and closer to Allah. Like I said, it's still all new to me, and I still regress every now and then. Recovery is not linear, and one step at a time, one day at a time, yeah ..

Waheed: 1:59:18

Alhamdulillah, and mashaAllah you've celebrated your one-year anniversary in SA. So kudos to you, mashaAllah, and to many more years to come, inshaAllah.

Mustafa: 1:59:30

InshaAllah.

Waheed: 1:59:31

Very proud of you.  

For those interested in learning more about Sexaholics Anonymous (SA), I will add references in the episode show notes for you to check out, including the SA website as well as an episode from A Way Beyond the Rainbow that talked about SA and sexual recovery programs.

Waheed: 1:59:48

The last question that I want to ask you, and this is something that I ask all of my guests toward the end of the episode, what is something that they wish they could tell someone in their lives that they haven't had the chance to tell them? And it could be someone, you know, their parents, their other family members, friends, their younger selves. And if I were to ask you what is something you wish you could tell your parents, if you had the chance, that you maybe did not tell them before, what would you tell them?

Mustafa: 2:00:20

That I love them. I guess, I love you, mama and papa. I forgive you, or I'm learning to forgive. You did the best you could. I'm so grateful for your sacrifices. I pray I can get to learn more about you, and I think it's my role as your son to also get to know you, to maybe even help you in things that you didn't know you needed help with. Most importantly, I'm really proud to be your son.

Waheed: 2:01:04

MashaAllah, that was very beautiful. Jazak Allah khair. What is something that you would like to tell your ex-husband/partner at the time, that you wish you could tell him?  

Mustafa: 2:01:22

I'd like to say that also, I love you, and I pray you find serenity, joy, and an opportunity to move on and continue your life. I'm grateful for everything you've taught me. I'm grateful for the highs and lows. I'm grateful to experience love and to learn that I could be loved, and I'm grateful that that person was you. I pray only the best for you, and I hope you find what is best for you. 

Waheed: 2:01:56

Ameen, wonderful, MashaAllah. And what is something that you would like to tell your friends who are listening to you today?

Mustafa: 2:02:06

To my friends, thank you so much for showing me that it is okay to be vulnerable, that it is okay to trust, and—most importantly—for reminding me that I am a good person, worthy of love, care, and affection. You have become my chosen family, and I am deeply grateful for each of you in my life. May Allah bless you with everything good, raise your ranks, ease your worries, and grant you serenity, joy, and closeness to Him. May you always receive love and care in the same beautiful way that you give so freely.

And finally to my dear angel brother, you know what you mean to me. I don't know what more to say other than I love you so much. May Allah make your life full of barakah, love, and ease. Also may Allah allow me to be a source of comfort and goodness for you, just as you have been for me. Amen.

Waheed: 2:03:08

Ameen, ameen ya Rabb. MashaAllah, that is very beautiful. And lastly, what is something you wish you could tell your own young self? The young child, teenager, who was really struggling, the 20-year-old, 21-year-old, you know, going through all of that turmoil pre-marriage, post-marriage. If you were to talk to the younger Mustafa, what would you tell him?

Mustafa: 2:03:37

I wish I could give you the biggest hug. I wish I could go back and show you what a difference five years can make. You were in so much pain, and I'm so sorry you felt so alone. So sorry you felt so alone, afraid that you were a waste of space. I can tell you that you made it through to a place where you're starting to see serenity. Subhan Allah. Allah wanted you to grow. No more training wheels. He knew you could handle it. When you couldn't, He sent people your way to help. The journey isn't over yet, but I'm starting to learn that by trusting in Him, you and I, we can overcome whatever is in our way. I love you.

Waheed: 2:04:37

MashaAllah. We love you too, by the way, and we're very proud of you. Brother Mustafa, this has been a pleasure, it's been an honor, honestly, I am very blessed to be here with you to be sharing your story with the world. I am very proud of you. You have a heart of gold, mashaAllah, and you are blessed by Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. You know you're loved by Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. Your story is is an embodiment of that. So may this love continue to increase and to prosper in the most beautiful and extraordinary ways. And may this love always brighten up your life and give you light on your path and allow you to share that light with everyone who comes your way. And may He keep you steadfast and strong and loved by Him, with Him, every step of the way. You know I can speak on behalf of all of us when I say that we are very, very, very proud of you, and you're a wonderful human being. So thank you for sharing all of this with us, and any last words you would like to share with the listeners?

Mustafa: 2:05:48

Ameen ya Rabb al-‘Alameen. Thank you so much, Jazak Allah khair, Waheed, for all your efforts in sharing our stories and doing the work you have done for our community. May Allah truly bless you. I think the last thing I want to say is what I had reiterated before. The grass is always greener on the other side, but it's more useful to nurture the one you're standing on, and to remember that you can always start today.

Waheed: 2:06:25

Amen, amen, beautiful, beautiful words. Way to end it on a high note. Alhamdulillah. Brother Mustafa, jazak Allah khairan, may Allah reward you immensely.

Mustafa: 2:06:35

Ameen, you as well.

Waheed: 2:06:37

And with that we come to the end of today's episode. I hope you have enjoyed it and found value in the content. I would like to kindly ask you to hit the subscribe button, if you have not done so already, to make sure that you don't miss any episodes. And if you have enjoyed the podcast so far, please make sure to give us a good rating, as that helps make the podcast more visible for people. And if you or anyone you know would like to be a guest on the podcast, roll over the link in the episode show notes and fill out the form. And if you have any questions or comments or suggestions, feel free to email me anytime on voicesfrombeyondtherainbow@proton.me. Talk to you in the next episode, inshaAllah. This has been Waheed Jensen in “Voices from Beyond the Rainbow”, assalamu alaikom wa rahmatullahi wabarakatuh.